This is what I think of you: Adam Lambert

Dear Adam Lambert,

You are an american idol alum, gay icon, relatively wet behind the ears to the recording game, and an eyeliner connoiseur. I have some things to say to you.

Adam... I just finished watching your American Music Awards performance on youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9fATzGwFJY ); I have mixed feelings. I read that there was some controversy about the overtly sexual stage choreography (see: smashing a dude's face into your crotch, grabbing one of your female back up dancers cooters, and facially assaulting your keyboardist... with your face?); however, this is not what made me feel awkward about your performance. Sexually explicit... go for it... I tend to like sexually explicit.

What made it so gawd awful was the singing. Don't get me wrong; you've got a helluva set of pipes on you. I like your voice. But the scream/sing thing you do in place of real lyrics - small doses my friend. The last minute of your stage show was painful... literally... it hurt my ears.

I watched the season of American Idol you were on. You should have won. That Kris dude was vanilla ice cream at best... pleasant enough but meh. You were inventive, cool, and sexy. You made that noise I have come to hate a few times - but it was refreshing after watching that crooked mouthed quaker warble his way through some predictable adult contemporary jam.

So... for me... and all those who possess the ability to hear (there are lots of us!)... tone it down a tad vocally... Also in the eye makeup dept... if you have some time... if it's not asking too much.

Malicious

This is what I think of you: Jason Bateman

Dear Jason Bateman,

You are an underrated actor with impeccable comedic timing. Your boyish charms are by no means smoldering - but extremely likable. I have some things to say to you.

J-Bate... Will you marry me? I don't know you personally; however, I feel like you are everything anyone would want in a partner. Your looks are above average - it's true, you might not be a say... Brad Pitt... but who wants Brad Pitt? Well, other than Mrs. Jolie. And Aniston. And millions of other women. BUT, my point is that dating Brad Pitt would be anything but sustainable. You are smart, and so very funny. Humour has to be the ultimate deal maker in a relationship. I think you could make me chuckle until we were both old and grey. But you'll die first cause I am younger. Unless the drinking and smoking catches up to me.

Arrested Development - in syndication - is STILL the funniest show on TV. I own all three seasons on DVD - and I am sure I have seen every episode about 50 times. Still not old. Mind you - this has as much to do with your co-stars. Why was it cancelled? Oh ya... stupid people weren't watching it. I am serious - if you did/do not watch this show - you are dumb. All good shows get cancelled early (see Veronica Mars with the equally winning Kristen Bell) - it's truly unfair that schlock like Grey's Anatomy (ugh - is anyone more annoying than Katherine Heigl... possibly Ellen Pompeo... although Sandra Oh happens to be quite charming) are still on and thriving. Before all you Grey's fans get all malignant on me - it's fuc*in ER with hotter people. I'm right. Right? If it wasn't on primetime and if you took away the high production quality it would be General Hospital.

But I digress. Jason... you toiled in obscurity for a while after your early days in Silver Spoons. But your re-emergence has been... well... quite wonderful. You are pretty much the best thing about any movie you're in. Couples Retreat. Check. Dodgeball. Check. Invention of Lying. Check. I could go on... but you get the picture.

I know you're already married... and totally not gay. But... well I just think we could be very happy. If you think so too... call me.

Malicious

This is what I think of you: Gerard Butler

Uhmm... Hi Gerard Butler... *blush*,

I had to shoot and keep down a quart of tequila, rail some **** off of a very unsanitary bathroom counter in a seedy brothel, and smoke a pack of marlboros just to get the nerve to come up here and talk to you (apparently we are in Mexico). I just wanted to tell you... you're awesome, OMG I love you! You make me weak in the knees, and giggle like a 17 year old girl. I LOVE YOU. Like, borderline swimfan.

Where are you going?! Please don't be scared... That's not a gun in my pocket;)

Okay, well - while I have you here there are some things that need to be addressed. Aside from your insane hotness.

You are - in my opinion - Hollywood's current 'it' boy. What makes me think this... Widely adored. Check. Hot career trajectory. Check. Magazine covers. Check. Ruggedly handsome. Muthereffin Check. Do you deserve this... let's see.

Upon browsing your IMDb page... well, Gerry - you've made a lot of stinkers. Tomorrow Never Dies could only be considered good if you were Mr. bond, Tomb raider 3? Seriously... Dracula 2000 - I didn't see it but Dracula movies suck 90% of the time, Timeline? With Paul Walker??? Why? Why would you associate your supreme awesomeness with that schlock? I could go on with questionable credits, but you get the picture.

Then there was RocknRolla. Where you played One Two. And our love affair began. You were tough, and FUNNY, and the scene where you slow danced with Handsome Bob cause he was going to go to jail the next day and all he wanted was to dance with you... ugh... well let's just say I have a new reason to change my sheets (sorry drunken shawerma mess, you've been replaced). I also caught you on Saturday Night Live the other week - and you were good! The 300 spoof where you abolished the don't ask don't tell law for the Spartan army... priceless.

So despite your spotty filmography, you are super talented. But let's face it, even if you weren't I'd still love you just for you (and by you I mean your face). You rock a beard harder than anyone else in Tinsel Town which is aces in my book... but please no more teaming up with Katherine Heigl... She is more annoying than you are good-looking - so let's keep the attention on that face.

Call me!!!

P.S. What I lack in anatomy I make up for in enthusiasm. Wink;)

This is what I think of you: Tori Amos

Hi Tori Amos,

You are a recording artist of mid-level fame - mostly known for your metaphor heavy emotionally intense songs, your prodigal skill with a piano, and eerie vocal stylings. I have a few things to say to you.

Tori... the Cornflake Girl... You are opinionated this is for sure. Your idiosyncratic comments about religion, sex, and feminism are strongly and creatively worded; however, it's your comments about other people I take umbrage with. This year you went on record saying Lady Gaga was a 'meteor' (again with the metaphors you clever clever girl), and probably would not last. To date - Lady Gaga has put out one album that has sold upwards of 3 million copies and 20 million digital singles. Upon reading your wikipedia page you have had some 25 million records sold in total since the early 90's. Lady Gaga is more popular now than you have ever been. Perhaps you are a superior songwriter, piano player, maybe even intellectual - but music is a business and you have been beaten in that respect.

There are also the comparisons to Ani Difranco - I'm not sure where you stand on Ani as an artist. But your fans seem to hate her. This is how I see it - Ani has a penchant to tell it like it is. You like to show-off with your poetic devices and let us figure it out on our own. As a writer one of the first tools I learned was to write as if my audience was dumb. I don't get poetry, or anyone's fascination with it... I don't think this makes me intellectually inferior, just lazy. Ani has more bite in one word than you do in an entire flimsy breathy one of your songs.

You are also in desperate need of a tan.

Don't get me wrong, 'Boys for Pele' was good... It's just that 'The Fame' curbstomps it. Someone needs to slap the uppitiness out of you like a red-headed stepchild (that was a similie... see? you're not so special).

Now back in your cave.