My Aptitude test results say 'Drug Lord'?

I really suck at this whole blogging thing. My friends who also blog post like everyday... sometimes multiple times a day. But screw it... I like to keep people guessing. Don't have any expectations from me anyway - I'm really not the most consistent person in the world.

Last night my temporary roommate had a date come over so I was banished from the apartment... Enter korean bbq, box of wine, board games, and crews and tango's.

There is nothing better than having the meat sweats and playing a game called 'Grass'... which is all about being a drug lord and building a weed empire. Obviously I was a natural... Due to my cuthroat business practices, my preternatural ability to intimidate and lie, and the fact that I look like I could pass for South American. After Grass and three quarters of a 4 litre box of wine we played a game called 'What'... which is kind of like Balderdash but you make fun of your friends instead of make up definitions. Way better.

Ever wondered who in your group of friends you might want to bone? Would never bone? Has a very disturbing kinky side? Then a box of wine Then 'What!' is for you.


On the way home we had an unplanned stop into Crews and Tango's for a drink. This was my first visit after its relaunch last Friday. The place looks the same... dim lighting, minimal decore, and an abundance of drag queens. Although now it has 'Restaurant & Bar' added to its name. Restaurant? What could they possibly serve? Who would eat there? I don't think I could ever be hungry enough to eat at crews. Drag queens don't generally inspire an appetizing atmosphere. I dunno... maybe it's just me.

St. Paddy's Day Follies and Other Random... but inspired... Musings

I have not written on this thing since November 25, 2009. I would like to say it's because I was so busy doing amazing things and exciting projects... truth is I am very very lazy.

But I am currently on a caffeine spurred upswing so here you go.

This past week St. Patrick's day took place... this is a very special day where white people get crazy inebriated and wear green. I'm not sure why this day exists historically... or the religious significance; however, does it really matter? Does anyone know? I am neither irish or a fan of wearing green (it makes me look pasty), but this has never stopped me from making a complete ass of myself on this day (Side note: It's also my Dad's bday! Happy Birthday Dad! Sorry bout the gay thing... I'll make it up to you and be successful... North American successful... Or if that's not enough I'll have a sham marriage to a female Arabic cousin of your choice)

So... directly after work I had to head over to the custom T-shirt store on Yonge just south of Wellesley (I am currently in love with the guy who works the front counter... He is straight... and adorable... and potentially hilarious - he DOES work at a funny shirt store... I love the unattainable) in order to get a shirt that would make my friends laugh and make me feel included in the pasty celebrations. After this I went home for a healthy meal - I consumed an entire Large Pizza... this is what eating salad for lunch gets you... Honestly - it makes me HUNGRIER. So I get home and binge. Healthy Living.

On to the house party. Beers. Tequila. 30 homos. I was pleasantly surprised to see a wide array of ethnic minorities there. All of them being equally disincluded as I... Drunk white people love standing in circles. Somehow I can't manage to infiltrate these circles - and the minute I do they mysteriously disband. Either way, St. Paddy's day seems to be the melting pot of Holidays.

Things about Ireland I like:
Potatoes
Fiddles

Things about Ireland I dislike:
Leprechauns
River Dance
The high incidence of Gingers

Things about Ireland I don't understand:
Blarney Stone (wtf is that?!)

I've got a case of the Montueswednesdays

You guys know when you hit your late twenties... and you have a job... and you're done school... and you stop getting hammered Monday-Thursday.

I don't either.

Enter Tuesday Boozeday.

1 regular bottle of wine + 2 extra large bottles + a box of wine = the reason why I am staring at the wall in my office most of the day. Willing myself to stay awake.

The intention was not to get ridiculous - it was supposed to be a quiet night in playing Cranium with K-Jew, Dj Kever, and Glen - rock 3000; however, on my way over I received a text saying 'Bring wine'. Foreboding...

In addition to the big as* bottle of wine I brang everyone else seemed to have received a similar message. So Cranium started off as planned... but quickly disintegrated in favour of playing 90's jams, smoking on the balcony, singing Glee tunes at a very loud volume, and of course.... Dance Party USA.

I'd write more but I just received intel that our VP at work is cracking down on productivity levels... and though I WOULD consider this productive... I have a sneaking suspicion he would not agree.

Till next time.

Ummm... Amazing!

Okay my little 80's kidz... I know you're going to love this one!!!

Muppets... Queen... Headbanging... This is the bombiest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

(watch for the 3 minute markish... Janice... my fave comes out then)

This one goes out to the one I love...

It's Christmas season... a time of giving... a time to reflect on one's life... so naturally I am thinking about the things/people that are important to me.

This is a post for a certain special someone who truly lights up my life. Every morning you greet me, bring a smile to my face, and set the tone for the rest of my day. This is priceless.

If you don't know who I am talking about by now (though I think it is fairly obvious)... This one goes out to my lover/friend/confidant... the breakfast sandwich. I just really need to let the world know that you are the one. I've flirted with the idea of committing to other edibles... Sushi was a passing fancy... Perogies - summer fun was all you were... Chili - well we had fun, but it was truly destructive (particularly after I left your prescence).

But oh my darling breakie sandz... I will never tire of you. I love the way look, smell, and taste. Your perfectly toasted buns, fluffy egg, cheese, and crispy bacon OR greasy sausage OR delectable ham - well you had me at hello my friend. You had me at hello.

If you feel the same way about me - meet me at the McDonalds in the underground on the corner of bay and richmond tomorrow at 9:15 am, I'll be the guy wearing a suit holding a bouquet of roses. Please make me the happiest man on Earth.

This is what I think of you: Adam Lambert

Dear Adam Lambert,

You are an american idol alum, gay icon, relatively wet behind the ears to the recording game, and an eyeliner connoiseur. I have some things to say to you.

Adam... I just finished watching your American Music Awards performance on youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9fATzGwFJY ); I have mixed feelings. I read that there was some controversy about the overtly sexual stage choreography (see: smashing a dude's face into your crotch, grabbing one of your female back up dancers cooters, and facially assaulting your keyboardist... with your face?); however, this is not what made me feel awkward about your performance. Sexually explicit... go for it... I tend to like sexually explicit.

What made it so gawd awful was the singing. Don't get me wrong; you've got a helluva set of pipes on you. I like your voice. But the scream/sing thing you do in place of real lyrics - small doses my friend. The last minute of your stage show was painful... literally... it hurt my ears.

I watched the season of American Idol you were on. You should have won. That Kris dude was vanilla ice cream at best... pleasant enough but meh. You were inventive, cool, and sexy. You made that noise I have come to hate a few times - but it was refreshing after watching that crooked mouthed quaker warble his way through some predictable adult contemporary jam.

So... for me... and all those who possess the ability to hear (there are lots of us!)... tone it down a tad vocally... Also in the eye makeup dept... if you have some time... if it's not asking too much.

Malicious

Bad Romance Video

Hmmm... Amazing. This girl just continues to destroy the competition. Bringing theatrics back to music in a big way... A little bit of Bowie, a little bit of Mercury... Check it out

http://cache.umusic.com/web_assets/ladygaga/site/badromance/default.html

This or that: Britney Spears vs. Taquitos

Britney Spears

Britney Spears... there was once a time when I thought you could possibly pull off the whole 'Next Madonna' thing. You could dance, you were sexy, and that voice! I don't think anyone's voice has ever been digitally enhanced like yours. Go Technology! It all seemed destined to be - you would ascend to Stardom while Christina Aguilera was heading to Cyndi Lauperdom.

But here's the problem. You got fat. You married that guy... Kevin Federswine? Kalvin Freidermine? You married that other guy for like a day. Cooch shots. Shaved head. You served Chicken fingers at your wedding. Ouch. All of that pop cred you had built up was trashed.

Now you're back, and you're lookin aight, the music - it's not bad. One thing though - Her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not sure you'll ever have the right to call yourself the princess of pop again while LG is still alive. Don't get any Tonya Harding kinda ideas Brit - Tonya ended up on celebrity boxing. Which now I that I think about it - I can totally see you doing in a few years.

Musically - Although I like to think I am hip and cool and would pretend never to like anything you've done (as would a lot of other people I know... liars, all of you)... that would be a fabrication. Toxic was the shiz. If you seek amy... guiltily delicious. Crossroads? Well, you can't win em all Brit.

Taquitos

Ever been to the 7-11? I have. A lot. If you are a convenience store connoisseur there is no doubt you have come across a little delicacy called the 'Taquito'. They are on the metal rolly things right next to the hot dogs (never order the dogs dude... just get the street meat).

Taquitos are greasy, full of empty calories, and above all - Scrumptious. They come in a variety of flavours including Buffalo Chicken, Jalapeno Cream Cheese, Beef Taco... and more! Two for just over 2 bucks. What a steal!

These treats are especially handy in a situation like when you bring salad for lunch in an attempt to curb your gradual weight gain (you don't make friends with salad... btw), and then inevitably two hours later you are starving again... Down to the 7-11 for a snack time! This happened to me today. Also yesterday.

Advantage: Taquitos. Any snack with that much cheese is a staple my friends. While Brit - she's just cheesy.

This is what I think of you: Jason Bateman

Dear Jason Bateman,

You are an underrated actor with impeccable comedic timing. Your boyish charms are by no means smoldering - but extremely likable. I have some things to say to you.

J-Bate... Will you marry me? I don't know you personally; however, I feel like you are everything anyone would want in a partner. Your looks are above average - it's true, you might not be a say... Brad Pitt... but who wants Brad Pitt? Well, other than Mrs. Jolie. And Aniston. And millions of other women. BUT, my point is that dating Brad Pitt would be anything but sustainable. You are smart, and so very funny. Humour has to be the ultimate deal maker in a relationship. I think you could make me chuckle until we were both old and grey. But you'll die first cause I am younger. Unless the drinking and smoking catches up to me.

Arrested Development - in syndication - is STILL the funniest show on TV. I own all three seasons on DVD - and I am sure I have seen every episode about 50 times. Still not old. Mind you - this has as much to do with your co-stars. Why was it cancelled? Oh ya... stupid people weren't watching it. I am serious - if you did/do not watch this show - you are dumb. All good shows get cancelled early (see Veronica Mars with the equally winning Kristen Bell) - it's truly unfair that schlock like Grey's Anatomy (ugh - is anyone more annoying than Katherine Heigl... possibly Ellen Pompeo... although Sandra Oh happens to be quite charming) are still on and thriving. Before all you Grey's fans get all malignant on me - it's fuc*in ER with hotter people. I'm right. Right? If it wasn't on primetime and if you took away the high production quality it would be General Hospital.

But I digress. Jason... you toiled in obscurity for a while after your early days in Silver Spoons. But your re-emergence has been... well... quite wonderful. You are pretty much the best thing about any movie you're in. Couples Retreat. Check. Dodgeball. Check. Invention of Lying. Check. I could go on... but you get the picture.

I know you're already married... and totally not gay. But... well I just think we could be very happy. If you think so too... call me.

Malicious

Cyril Sneer was an aardvark? WTF?

I bit the bullet. I went out on a date. With a human being.

When I was asked about it by Garganeau this morning this is what I said verbatim - "I had the butter chicken, it was really good". Somehow I think there wasn't a love connection. I really think going for food on a first date is a bad idea for a few reasons. Firstly - so much can go wrong. Food in teeth, spills, talking with your mouth full, etc... Secondly - you are committing to an entire meal with this person. That can be as long as two hours! Two hours of awkward conversation, ugh. Sign me up! Lastly - The person you are going out with has to outshine the server, the other diners, and the food. Advantage - Butter Chicken.

Sorry potential suitor. You got served - Tandoori style.

For Halloween Garganeau and I dressed up as the racoons. Canadian animated series... Cyril Sneer... you know. The costumes came together well - and I thought it was a great idea. In retrospect - maybe we should have chosen something more immediately recognizable. And slutty. When you are a grown man dressed up as an animal - it's not attractive. Although, after explaining what we were to people who asked - they seemed amused.

I got trashed. I danced. I smoked. I downed shots. I got the hiccups. Badly. Have you ever gotten the drunk hiccups? They are indestructible. You can't beat them. Knife in a cup? Nope. Rub your ear lobes? Nada. Drink upside down? Doesn't work. My hiccups were so bad that everytime they occured I thought I was going to vomit. So I had to take my sad raccoon hiccuping a*s home early. But you can't pass out with all that crap on! So drunken shower time. Drunk showers are terrible. I have trouble standing still when drunk, add soap and water to the mix and I was a wet mess. I'm surprised I didn't smash my face off the faucet.

This or that: Natalie Portman vs. Reusable Grocery Bags

Natalie Portman

Born on June 9, 1981 (5 days after me in the same year! Gemini's rule) - Natalie gives young hollywood that touch of class it so often lacks.

This girl has it all... looks, brains (Harvard Degree Y'all), charm, and a rockin sense of humour (the funny or die videos she does with Rashida Jones are hilarious).

Talented? You bet! Closer... The Professional... V for Vendetta... Star Wars? Queen Armadillo? I don't think I will ever understand this choice. Why not leave the crap for the poor man's version of you Natalie? Are you listening Johansson and Knightley? Then there is Garden State - you made me shoot pop out of my nose when you told Zach Braff's character ' I can't believe you're not retarded!'.

Also - you can rock a shaved head like nobody's business. Hot.

Reusable Grocery Bags

The Environment. It's so hot right now. Literally. Icebergs melting and sh*t. Won't someone please think of the Polar Bears?! Sobey's has (and most other grocery stores). Let's save the ozone layer one meal at a time.

For those of you who live outside of Toronto, we Torontonians have had to pay a nickel everytime we go shopping and require a plastic bag. A nickel PER bag. If you are like me and you end up shopping almost everyday because you have no foresight or planning skills - this adds up. So not only do reusable grocery bags save the environment, but they are cost effective in the long run... right? Wrong.

If you are not over the age of 45 - you never bring one to the store. It's not that we don't have these bags, we have oodles in our closet/drawer/cupboard. That is not the problem. The problem is that we do not plan our day around going grocery shopping - it just happens. So not only do I pay a nickel each time I go shopping for a bag - my loft is also slowly being taken over by these reusable bags. Ever open your closet and have an as*load of used-to-be pop bottles in bag form come crashing into your face. Sound familiar?

Advantage: P-p-p-Portman! She's just so perty!

This is what I think of you: Gerard Butler

Uhmm... Hi Gerard Butler... *blush*,

I had to shoot and keep down a quart of tequila, rail some **** off of a very unsanitary bathroom counter in a seedy brothel, and smoke a pack of marlboros just to get the nerve to come up here and talk to you (apparently we are in Mexico). I just wanted to tell you... you're awesome, OMG I love you! You make me weak in the knees, and giggle like a 17 year old girl. I LOVE YOU. Like, borderline swimfan.

Where are you going?! Please don't be scared... That's not a gun in my pocket;)

Okay, well - while I have you here there are some things that need to be addressed. Aside from your insane hotness.

You are - in my opinion - Hollywood's current 'it' boy. What makes me think this... Widely adored. Check. Hot career trajectory. Check. Magazine covers. Check. Ruggedly handsome. Muthereffin Check. Do you deserve this... let's see.

Upon browsing your IMDb page... well, Gerry - you've made a lot of stinkers. Tomorrow Never Dies could only be considered good if you were Mr. bond, Tomb raider 3? Seriously... Dracula 2000 - I didn't see it but Dracula movies suck 90% of the time, Timeline? With Paul Walker??? Why? Why would you associate your supreme awesomeness with that schlock? I could go on with questionable credits, but you get the picture.

Then there was RocknRolla. Where you played One Two. And our love affair began. You were tough, and FUNNY, and the scene where you slow danced with Handsome Bob cause he was going to go to jail the next day and all he wanted was to dance with you... ugh... well let's just say I have a new reason to change my sheets (sorry drunken shawerma mess, you've been replaced). I also caught you on Saturday Night Live the other week - and you were good! The 300 spoof where you abolished the don't ask don't tell law for the Spartan army... priceless.

So despite your spotty filmography, you are super talented. But let's face it, even if you weren't I'd still love you just for you (and by you I mean your face). You rock a beard harder than anyone else in Tinsel Town which is aces in my book... but please no more teaming up with Katherine Heigl... She is more annoying than you are good-looking - so let's keep the attention on that face.

Call me!!!

P.S. What I lack in anatomy I make up for in enthusiasm. Wink;)

Slow Jams - Malicious Style

More music... oldie but a goody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG6IiTNXp1g

Favourite Lyric : I've got a roll of coins and I'm aiming for your loins and I'll never stop.

Brilliant.

This song is better than anything you are listening to right now

Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwfCjYv7gVQ

I love this track... and the video is wicked bad. Enjoy.

This or that: Nirvana (the band) vs. Vacuum Cleaners

Welcome to a new Thursday special... From now on I will be posting 'This or that' on Thursdays, 'What I think of you' on Tuesdays, and bulls*it the rest of the time. This or that is an in-depth (questionable) comparison of two people/groups/things/places, with one coming out on top.

Nirvana: Famous grunge rock pioneers circa the early 90's. Made up of Kurt Cobain (deceased), Dave Grohl (toiling in Nickelbackiness... ugh), and that other dude (Chris Norberneznik? Chris Napavasilic? Chris Nern... who cares). Most famous for being the initiaters of the Seattle music scene craze (and the untimely and grisly death of their vocalist) with their smash hit 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'... A raucous, loud, lyrically incoherent 5 minutes - and it rocked. It rocked so hard they did a mash-up of it against Destiny's Child and it still sounded raw.

For a band that only really had 4 years in the spotlight... they have spawned quite the following even today. Teenagers who were barely alive when Nirvana was putting out new music are still wearing 'Nevermind' t-shirts (which those of us who were alive find annoying). I know you'll say 'but they released You know you're right in 2002!' To that I say 'You know you're right' was shiteous. Terrible. You know I'm right.

It is in this humble bloggers opinion, that Nirvana's body of work is largely overrated. The singles are catchy and angsty; however, as a complete body of work it is a completely inferior to say... Pearl Jam (and Mr. Veddar is WAY swoonier than Cobain and his poor hygiene vibe). Now let's all have a mass flannel burning ceremony.

Vacuum Cleaners: Much like their competition... VC's are raucous, loud, and make other people in the same room incoherent. The older models just really blow dust and dirt back up into the air, so really nothing is being cleaned. They are expensive (you get what you pay for), and clumsy (unless you get one of those slick European ones), much like Kurt Cobain's journals that were released in 2002 - right about when 'You Know you're right' was...hmm... Artistic Integrity or cash grab? You tell me.

If you are a smart person, you will switch over to hardwood asap. Brooms and swiffers really are more efficient. But alas, to date no one has come up with a better alternative for a quick carpet clean than your old, clunky, attatchment-missing VC.

Advantage: Vacuum Cleaners, cause they aren't obsolete... yet.

We didn't start the fire! Shorty did...But we'll let her burn up the dancefloor!

So I know I usually write about things that don't matter much to most people; however, this post is about something truly important... Climate Change. Why am I writing about this here you ask? Well, on October 15th 2009 it was International Blogfest day (or some sh*t like that)... a kind of holiday for bloggers around the world... where we all post about one subject. This year that subject was climate change. I would not have had to do this if everyone who visited my page (there were over 100 of you yesterday) would start FOLLOWING my blog. I know who you are, I SEE your IP addresses. Follow it... or the next 'What I think of you' post will be about YOU.

Anyway - this is a shameless attempt to get my blog out there.

Climate Change... is something I can actually write about - believe it or not I work with the energy and resources industries quite closely and it has been an issue within that sector since I started dealing with them, and continues to be.

The Climate Change initiatives biggest enemy is not carbon - but money. Industry is generally a bit slow to comply with ever-changing Air Emissions Standards. I'm not going to do an in-depth analysis of the economic implications of these policies on this blog; however, these are multi-million/billion dollar changes to existing infrastructure in certain cases. Pricey, huh?

'Oh but it's worth it to save the planet?!' I agree. Please believe me I agree (except that I live in Canada and the idea of not trudging to work in boots come December with inevitably soaked bottom half of pants, and messed up hair from your toque... is well, kind of dreamy). But you need to understand the way these companies work. They DO make unbelievable amounts of money (well, the bigger ones at least... there are plenty of smaller oil & gas and mining outfits that struggle), but they are in fact private corporations. They have as much a right to profit as your local mechanic or grocer - as long as it is within the framework of our country's energy/resources regulatory body.

Which brings me to my point. Private energy and resource companies are demonized on a regular basis for environmental impacts, abusing First Nations traditional land, and creating eyesores by the communities around their projects. Should they be blamed? Yes and no... but more no. It is OUR government that continues to let these things happen. Why? Money, Money, Money. Any mass change needs to start in Parliament. You cannot expect industry to comply with anything but the minimum requirements, just hope.

So yay for renewables (which Ontario is currently doing a wonderful job of promoting I might add... Big ups to the Aborginal Loan Guarantee program! What What!), and yay for clean coal, and yay for Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, Heart... together they become Captain Planet... he's our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero. But the unfortunate truth is that Fossil Fuel energy is here for a while.

Now pass me a can of hairspray to unload and a bottle of tanning oil (totally kidding... err).

Check it: www.blogactionday.org

Follow me on twitter - @MaliciousMike81

This is what I think of you: Tori Amos

Hi Tori Amos,

You are a recording artist of mid-level fame - mostly known for your metaphor heavy emotionally intense songs, your prodigal skill with a piano, and eerie vocal stylings. I have a few things to say to you.

Tori... the Cornflake Girl... You are opinionated this is for sure. Your idiosyncratic comments about religion, sex, and feminism are strongly and creatively worded; however, it's your comments about other people I take umbrage with. This year you went on record saying Lady Gaga was a 'meteor' (again with the metaphors you clever clever girl), and probably would not last. To date - Lady Gaga has put out one album that has sold upwards of 3 million copies and 20 million digital singles. Upon reading your wikipedia page you have had some 25 million records sold in total since the early 90's. Lady Gaga is more popular now than you have ever been. Perhaps you are a superior songwriter, piano player, maybe even intellectual - but music is a business and you have been beaten in that respect.

There are also the comparisons to Ani Difranco - I'm not sure where you stand on Ani as an artist. But your fans seem to hate her. This is how I see it - Ani has a penchant to tell it like it is. You like to show-off with your poetic devices and let us figure it out on our own. As a writer one of the first tools I learned was to write as if my audience was dumb. I don't get poetry, or anyone's fascination with it... I don't think this makes me intellectually inferior, just lazy. Ani has more bite in one word than you do in an entire flimsy breathy one of your songs.

You are also in desperate need of a tan.

Don't get me wrong, 'Boys for Pele' was good... It's just that 'The Fame' curbstomps it. Someone needs to slap the uppitiness out of you like a red-headed stepchild (that was a similie... see? you're not so special).

Now back in your cave.

Never Sit on a Couch in Turkey

As I sit to write this weekend update I realize I have no idea what I did on Friday. Seriously. Not because I was too drunk, or out of control in general, but because it blended in. When I talk to the people I grew up with who still live in the suburbs - I'm always hearing about quiet nights in, movie nights, glass of wine and some cuddling kinda evenings. To this I say - 'Well, what did you do on the weekend?' Completely oblivious to the fact that that was their weekend. I think I might be able to count the amount of Fridays and Saturdays I have stayed in (and done nothing) post high school on two hands... And I don't count going to the movies - you can go to a movie on a weekday and be fine for work in the morning. No skill involved there. Just the ability to sit and stare.

The fact that I cannot remember Friday (even though precisely at this moment I DO remember what I did) might mean that I either need to scale back the night outs... in an effort to make each one more memorable OR I could find new places to go. This seems more productive. I will explore my city further, make new friends, destroy my liver and soul in new venues. Any suggestions?

Saturday... I remember. Vividly. Well, vividly might be pushing it; however, it was quite memorable. The night started out like any other, consuming a magnum of wine to myself and then heading out to meet the boys. The bar was pretty much like any other night (Woody's in this case)... until the last 20 minutes. We were sitting at a table talking amongst ourselves when we finally noticed that there was a table of similar aged, good looking men right next to us. After some yell flirting we decided to push the tables together. 20 minutes later the lights came on (which is one of the worst feelings in the world), affirming that we were all reasonably attractive individuals. Time to go home? I think not.

Illegal after hours clubs! First we headed to one on Queen West - though they wouldn't open the door for us b/c some drunken frat dorks were standing outside and making a scene. So DJ suggested we hit a different one - in Kensington Market (Capital of Hipster of Douchebaggery in my opinion... and it's my blog, so piss off). This place was in the middle of the city, but felt completely isolated... Situated down a dark alley, it's door was covered with graffitti. After we knocked on the door, a very tough-looking woman answered and informed us (in a very surly manner) that we shouldn't fu*kin knock and there is a camera mounted so they can see we need to be let in.

This place was dirty. DIRTY. Not only were they illegally serving alcohol after hours, but there was also illegal gambling and I'm pretty sure prostitution going on. The only girl I saw there aside from the bartender (who looked kinda like a younger Grace Jones... but less majestic... and more used) was a tranny prostitute who took a liking to me - see she was Turkish and sells her body, and I'm the whitest arabic person you've ever seen and collect comics... that makes us the same? According to her, yes. After she regaled me with a story about how she offered a guy a bj, and he refused calling her disgusting, then later when he was in the washroom she accosted him and he let her (straight guys, please stop playing coy... it's embarassing) she said goodbye to me and tried to kiss me... I gave her the cheek (thank god my reflexes weren't too impaired). Still - I had to leave shortly after because I was sure I had Turkish Prostitute herpes all over my face and the couch I was sitting on looked like it might have had Hepatitis C.

Attention - Get your A*s to the Dance Floor!

So I have this awesome friend who is a wicked fresh DJ... Goes by DJ TLA.

If you read my blog, this is the aforementioned remix of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' he made. When he first let me listen to it he prefaced the song by telling me it's 'super gay'... That it is - but also super awesome. At least I think so - and my opinion is better than yours... about everything... all the time. Eat it.

Here's the link my duckies - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83fBv1fCUhA

ALSO! Another post coming today as I have had quite the booze fueled Tuesday night! Until then.

Thanksgiving Extravaganza or Girls Girls Girls!

Thanksgiving weekend has come and gone. I still feel the 'turkey sleeps'... but that might also be my addiction to cough medicine. Apart from the two thanksgiving feasts I put my waistline through over the past three days - I managed to get blind drunk at a pre-birthday, and birthday party. Is everyone familiar with the' birthday week'? Apparently mothers who gave birth from 1978 to 1985 took a whole week to squeeze their litter out.

I know this to be true because I am a 1981... and everyone I call a friend was born circa '78-'85. All of these people have multiple events for one occasion (kinda like straight people and weddings... seriously, like 7 functions for a wedding??? I'm glad you're in love but f*ck off).

Anyway, this past weekend we were celebrating the birth of the one and only DJ. On Friday after consuming a pre-bottle of wine to socially lubricate ourselves, B-rock and I headed over to DJ's place for the pre-drink... It is a tradition of mine to always preempt the pre-drink with booze so I don't spend the first 20 minutes of the pre-drink downing copius amounts of booze to deal with my conversational awkwardness. At his place, there were upwards of 20 very good looking eligible gay men. Could it be things were looking up for Malicious?

No. They were not.

Where do 30 drunk gay men go for a birthday to dance? Church Street? No. Queen West? Are you kidding? The Brunswick House? Uh... ya? Yes, we went to the Brunny (which I have described to people in the past as 'where frat boys go to date rape stupid girls'). Despite my initial reservations I had a great time... I think. All was a bit fuzzy after B-Rock and I polished the 26 er of Crown at DJ's place and then everyone was buying everyone shots... and then THIS happened. At a party filled with gorgeous goodlooking men - drunk and having a good time. I picked up a... girl. Yes - I was making out with a girl all over that bloody bar. In the end I remember three things from that night:

1. Screaming 'Don't Stop Believing' at the top of my lungs into the poor persons ear beside me
2. Girls mouths are small
3. There is nothing worse than falling asleep with a messy shawarma still in your hand

Thanks Booze.

Love,

Malicious