This or that: Britney Spears vs. Taquitos

Britney Spears

Britney Spears... there was once a time when I thought you could possibly pull off the whole 'Next Madonna' thing. You could dance, you were sexy, and that voice! I don't think anyone's voice has ever been digitally enhanced like yours. Go Technology! It all seemed destined to be - you would ascend to Stardom while Christina Aguilera was heading to Cyndi Lauperdom.

But here's the problem. You got fat. You married that guy... Kevin Federswine? Kalvin Freidermine? You married that other guy for like a day. Cooch shots. Shaved head. You served Chicken fingers at your wedding. Ouch. All of that pop cred you had built up was trashed.

Now you're back, and you're lookin aight, the music - it's not bad. One thing though - Her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not sure you'll ever have the right to call yourself the princess of pop again while LG is still alive. Don't get any Tonya Harding kinda ideas Brit - Tonya ended up on celebrity boxing. Which now I that I think about it - I can totally see you doing in a few years.

Musically - Although I like to think I am hip and cool and would pretend never to like anything you've done (as would a lot of other people I know... liars, all of you)... that would be a fabrication. Toxic was the shiz. If you seek amy... guiltily delicious. Crossroads? Well, you can't win em all Brit.

Taquitos

Ever been to the 7-11? I have. A lot. If you are a convenience store connoisseur there is no doubt you have come across a little delicacy called the 'Taquito'. They are on the metal rolly things right next to the hot dogs (never order the dogs dude... just get the street meat).

Taquitos are greasy, full of empty calories, and above all - Scrumptious. They come in a variety of flavours including Buffalo Chicken, Jalapeno Cream Cheese, Beef Taco... and more! Two for just over 2 bucks. What a steal!

These treats are especially handy in a situation like when you bring salad for lunch in an attempt to curb your gradual weight gain (you don't make friends with salad... btw), and then inevitably two hours later you are starving again... Down to the 7-11 for a snack time! This happened to me today. Also yesterday.

Advantage: Taquitos. Any snack with that much cheese is a staple my friends. While Brit - she's just cheesy.

This is what I think of you: Jason Bateman

Dear Jason Bateman,

You are an underrated actor with impeccable comedic timing. Your boyish charms are by no means smoldering - but extremely likable. I have some things to say to you.

J-Bate... Will you marry me? I don't know you personally; however, I feel like you are everything anyone would want in a partner. Your looks are above average - it's true, you might not be a say... Brad Pitt... but who wants Brad Pitt? Well, other than Mrs. Jolie. And Aniston. And millions of other women. BUT, my point is that dating Brad Pitt would be anything but sustainable. You are smart, and so very funny. Humour has to be the ultimate deal maker in a relationship. I think you could make me chuckle until we were both old and grey. But you'll die first cause I am younger. Unless the drinking and smoking catches up to me.

Arrested Development - in syndication - is STILL the funniest show on TV. I own all three seasons on DVD - and I am sure I have seen every episode about 50 times. Still not old. Mind you - this has as much to do with your co-stars. Why was it cancelled? Oh ya... stupid people weren't watching it. I am serious - if you did/do not watch this show - you are dumb. All good shows get cancelled early (see Veronica Mars with the equally winning Kristen Bell) - it's truly unfair that schlock like Grey's Anatomy (ugh - is anyone more annoying than Katherine Heigl... possibly Ellen Pompeo... although Sandra Oh happens to be quite charming) are still on and thriving. Before all you Grey's fans get all malignant on me - it's fuc*in ER with hotter people. I'm right. Right? If it wasn't on primetime and if you took away the high production quality it would be General Hospital.

But I digress. Jason... you toiled in obscurity for a while after your early days in Silver Spoons. But your re-emergence has been... well... quite wonderful. You are pretty much the best thing about any movie you're in. Couples Retreat. Check. Dodgeball. Check. Invention of Lying. Check. I could go on... but you get the picture.

I know you're already married... and totally not gay. But... well I just think we could be very happy. If you think so too... call me.

Malicious

Cyril Sneer was an aardvark? WTF?

I bit the bullet. I went out on a date. With a human being.

When I was asked about it by Garganeau this morning this is what I said verbatim - "I had the butter chicken, it was really good". Somehow I think there wasn't a love connection. I really think going for food on a first date is a bad idea for a few reasons. Firstly - so much can go wrong. Food in teeth, spills, talking with your mouth full, etc... Secondly - you are committing to an entire meal with this person. That can be as long as two hours! Two hours of awkward conversation, ugh. Sign me up! Lastly - The person you are going out with has to outshine the server, the other diners, and the food. Advantage - Butter Chicken.

Sorry potential suitor. You got served - Tandoori style.

For Halloween Garganeau and I dressed up as the racoons. Canadian animated series... Cyril Sneer... you know. The costumes came together well - and I thought it was a great idea. In retrospect - maybe we should have chosen something more immediately recognizable. And slutty. When you are a grown man dressed up as an animal - it's not attractive. Although, after explaining what we were to people who asked - they seemed amused.

I got trashed. I danced. I smoked. I downed shots. I got the hiccups. Badly. Have you ever gotten the drunk hiccups? They are indestructible. You can't beat them. Knife in a cup? Nope. Rub your ear lobes? Nada. Drink upside down? Doesn't work. My hiccups were so bad that everytime they occured I thought I was going to vomit. So I had to take my sad raccoon hiccuping a*s home early. But you can't pass out with all that crap on! So drunken shower time. Drunk showers are terrible. I have trouble standing still when drunk, add soap and water to the mix and I was a wet mess. I'm surprised I didn't smash my face off the faucet.

This or that: Natalie Portman vs. Reusable Grocery Bags

Natalie Portman

Born on June 9, 1981 (5 days after me in the same year! Gemini's rule) - Natalie gives young hollywood that touch of class it so often lacks.

This girl has it all... looks, brains (Harvard Degree Y'all), charm, and a rockin sense of humour (the funny or die videos she does with Rashida Jones are hilarious).

Talented? You bet! Closer... The Professional... V for Vendetta... Star Wars? Queen Armadillo? I don't think I will ever understand this choice. Why not leave the crap for the poor man's version of you Natalie? Are you listening Johansson and Knightley? Then there is Garden State - you made me shoot pop out of my nose when you told Zach Braff's character ' I can't believe you're not retarded!'.

Also - you can rock a shaved head like nobody's business. Hot.

Reusable Grocery Bags

The Environment. It's so hot right now. Literally. Icebergs melting and sh*t. Won't someone please think of the Polar Bears?! Sobey's has (and most other grocery stores). Let's save the ozone layer one meal at a time.

For those of you who live outside of Toronto, we Torontonians have had to pay a nickel everytime we go shopping and require a plastic bag. A nickel PER bag. If you are like me and you end up shopping almost everyday because you have no foresight or planning skills - this adds up. So not only do reusable grocery bags save the environment, but they are cost effective in the long run... right? Wrong.

If you are not over the age of 45 - you never bring one to the store. It's not that we don't have these bags, we have oodles in our closet/drawer/cupboard. That is not the problem. The problem is that we do not plan our day around going grocery shopping - it just happens. So not only do I pay a nickel each time I go shopping for a bag - my loft is also slowly being taken over by these reusable bags. Ever open your closet and have an as*load of used-to-be pop bottles in bag form come crashing into your face. Sound familiar?

Advantage: P-p-p-Portman! She's just so perty!

This is what I think of you: Gerard Butler

Uhmm... Hi Gerard Butler... *blush*,

I had to shoot and keep down a quart of tequila, rail some **** off of a very unsanitary bathroom counter in a seedy brothel, and smoke a pack of marlboros just to get the nerve to come up here and talk to you (apparently we are in Mexico). I just wanted to tell you... you're awesome, OMG I love you! You make me weak in the knees, and giggle like a 17 year old girl. I LOVE YOU. Like, borderline swimfan.

Where are you going?! Please don't be scared... That's not a gun in my pocket;)

Okay, well - while I have you here there are some things that need to be addressed. Aside from your insane hotness.

You are - in my opinion - Hollywood's current 'it' boy. What makes me think this... Widely adored. Check. Hot career trajectory. Check. Magazine covers. Check. Ruggedly handsome. Muthereffin Check. Do you deserve this... let's see.

Upon browsing your IMDb page... well, Gerry - you've made a lot of stinkers. Tomorrow Never Dies could only be considered good if you were Mr. bond, Tomb raider 3? Seriously... Dracula 2000 - I didn't see it but Dracula movies suck 90% of the time, Timeline? With Paul Walker??? Why? Why would you associate your supreme awesomeness with that schlock? I could go on with questionable credits, but you get the picture.

Then there was RocknRolla. Where you played One Two. And our love affair began. You were tough, and FUNNY, and the scene where you slow danced with Handsome Bob cause he was going to go to jail the next day and all he wanted was to dance with you... ugh... well let's just say I have a new reason to change my sheets (sorry drunken shawerma mess, you've been replaced). I also caught you on Saturday Night Live the other week - and you were good! The 300 spoof where you abolished the don't ask don't tell law for the Spartan army... priceless.

So despite your spotty filmography, you are super talented. But let's face it, even if you weren't I'd still love you just for you (and by you I mean your face). You rock a beard harder than anyone else in Tinsel Town which is aces in my book... but please no more teaming up with Katherine Heigl... She is more annoying than you are good-looking - so let's keep the attention on that face.

Call me!!!

P.S. What I lack in anatomy I make up for in enthusiasm. Wink;)

Slow Jams - Malicious Style

More music... oldie but a goody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG6IiTNXp1g

Favourite Lyric : I've got a roll of coins and I'm aiming for your loins and I'll never stop.

Brilliant.

This song is better than anything you are listening to right now

Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwfCjYv7gVQ

I love this track... and the video is wicked bad. Enjoy.