Bizarre Love Triangle

I have a major dilemma... Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland style for real. I used to laugh at the people who cheated (and worried about it) - s*x and intimacy could totally be separated. Right? I thought so.

So... I should tell you (if you don't already know), I am an objectum sexual. I don't love people, just things (check out http://www.objectum-sexuality.org/). I don't really understand why people fall in love with other people, they have thought processes and entire lives of their own! How can you control that?! I mean, what good is spending time with someone if you have to do what THEY want to do sometimes, or god forbid anticipate how something you do will make THEM feel?! Madness. Plus it's so passe.

Being an Objectum Sexual is hip... and I am the hippest because I am involved in a sordid affair, caught against my own better judgement between two formidable suitors. What could be worse? I'll tell you - they both moved in with me over the past few months, so now it's just so darn awkward to be in my own home. I just can't bring myself to ask one of them to leave.

This is my own version of Alanis Morissette's 'Unsent'

Dear Slow Cooker I like you alot,
You were first in my heart and second to none
I hope you know that
I want you to know that I truly appreciate
Coming home from work tired and hungry
To find that you have been slaving away all day
Delicious Pot roast.

Dear Space heater, you rocked my world
Our love is new and truly exciting
I hope it lasts
You should be privy to the fact that I glow
When you cuddle me to sleep at night
The best is that you're still there when I wake up
Toasty blankets.

As you can see I am at an impass. How do I live without one of these lovers?