I've got a case of the Montueswednesdays

You guys know when you hit your late twenties... and you have a job... and you're done school... and you stop getting hammered Monday-Thursday.

I don't either.

Enter Tuesday Boozeday.

1 regular bottle of wine + 2 extra large bottles + a box of wine = the reason why I am staring at the wall in my office most of the day. Willing myself to stay awake.

The intention was not to get ridiculous - it was supposed to be a quiet night in playing Cranium with K-Jew, Dj Kever, and Glen - rock 3000; however, on my way over I received a text saying 'Bring wine'. Foreboding...

In addition to the big as* bottle of wine I brang everyone else seemed to have received a similar message. So Cranium started off as planned... but quickly disintegrated in favour of playing 90's jams, smoking on the balcony, singing Glee tunes at a very loud volume, and of course.... Dance Party USA.

I'd write more but I just received intel that our VP at work is cracking down on productivity levels... and though I WOULD consider this productive... I have a sneaking suspicion he would not agree.

Till next time.

Ummm... Amazing!

Okay my little 80's kidz... I know you're going to love this one!!!

Muppets... Queen... Headbanging... This is the bombiest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

(watch for the 3 minute markish... Janice... my fave comes out then)

This one goes out to the one I love...

It's Christmas season... a time of giving... a time to reflect on one's life... so naturally I am thinking about the things/people that are important to me.

This is a post for a certain special someone who truly lights up my life. Every morning you greet me, bring a smile to my face, and set the tone for the rest of my day. This is priceless.

If you don't know who I am talking about by now (though I think it is fairly obvious)... This one goes out to my lover/friend/confidant... the breakfast sandwich. I just really need to let the world know that you are the one. I've flirted with the idea of committing to other edibles... Sushi was a passing fancy... Perogies - summer fun was all you were... Chili - well we had fun, but it was truly destructive (particularly after I left your prescence).

But oh my darling breakie sandz... I will never tire of you. I love the way look, smell, and taste. Your perfectly toasted buns, fluffy egg, cheese, and crispy bacon OR greasy sausage OR delectable ham - well you had me at hello my friend. You had me at hello.

If you feel the same way about me - meet me at the McDonalds in the underground on the corner of bay and richmond tomorrow at 9:15 am, I'll be the guy wearing a suit holding a bouquet of roses. Please make me the happiest man on Earth.

This is what I think of you: Adam Lambert

Dear Adam Lambert,

You are an american idol alum, gay icon, relatively wet behind the ears to the recording game, and an eyeliner connoiseur. I have some things to say to you.

Adam... I just finished watching your American Music Awards performance on youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9fATzGwFJY ); I have mixed feelings. I read that there was some controversy about the overtly sexual stage choreography (see: smashing a dude's face into your crotch, grabbing one of your female back up dancers cooters, and facially assaulting your keyboardist... with your face?); however, this is not what made me feel awkward about your performance. Sexually explicit... go for it... I tend to like sexually explicit.

What made it so gawd awful was the singing. Don't get me wrong; you've got a helluva set of pipes on you. I like your voice. But the scream/sing thing you do in place of real lyrics - small doses my friend. The last minute of your stage show was painful... literally... it hurt my ears.

I watched the season of American Idol you were on. You should have won. That Kris dude was vanilla ice cream at best... pleasant enough but meh. You were inventive, cool, and sexy. You made that noise I have come to hate a few times - but it was refreshing after watching that crooked mouthed quaker warble his way through some predictable adult contemporary jam.

So... for me... and all those who possess the ability to hear (there are lots of us!)... tone it down a tad vocally... Also in the eye makeup dept... if you have some time... if it's not asking too much.

Malicious

Bad Romance Video

Hmmm... Amazing. This girl just continues to destroy the competition. Bringing theatrics back to music in a big way... A little bit of Bowie, a little bit of Mercury... Check it out

http://cache.umusic.com/web_assets/ladygaga/site/badromance/default.html

This or that: Britney Spears vs. Taquitos

Britney Spears

Britney Spears... there was once a time when I thought you could possibly pull off the whole 'Next Madonna' thing. You could dance, you were sexy, and that voice! I don't think anyone's voice has ever been digitally enhanced like yours. Go Technology! It all seemed destined to be - you would ascend to Stardom while Christina Aguilera was heading to Cyndi Lauperdom.

But here's the problem. You got fat. You married that guy... Kevin Federswine? Kalvin Freidermine? You married that other guy for like a day. Cooch shots. Shaved head. You served Chicken fingers at your wedding. Ouch. All of that pop cred you had built up was trashed.

Now you're back, and you're lookin aight, the music - it's not bad. One thing though - Her name is Lady Gaga. I'm not sure you'll ever have the right to call yourself the princess of pop again while LG is still alive. Don't get any Tonya Harding kinda ideas Brit - Tonya ended up on celebrity boxing. Which now I that I think about it - I can totally see you doing in a few years.

Musically - Although I like to think I am hip and cool and would pretend never to like anything you've done (as would a lot of other people I know... liars, all of you)... that would be a fabrication. Toxic was the shiz. If you seek amy... guiltily delicious. Crossroads? Well, you can't win em all Brit.

Taquitos

Ever been to the 7-11? I have. A lot. If you are a convenience store connoisseur there is no doubt you have come across a little delicacy called the 'Taquito'. They are on the metal rolly things right next to the hot dogs (never order the dogs dude... just get the street meat).

Taquitos are greasy, full of empty calories, and above all - Scrumptious. They come in a variety of flavours including Buffalo Chicken, Jalapeno Cream Cheese, Beef Taco... and more! Two for just over 2 bucks. What a steal!

These treats are especially handy in a situation like when you bring salad for lunch in an attempt to curb your gradual weight gain (you don't make friends with salad... btw), and then inevitably two hours later you are starving again... Down to the 7-11 for a snack time! This happened to me today. Also yesterday.

Advantage: Taquitos. Any snack with that much cheese is a staple my friends. While Brit - she's just cheesy.

This is what I think of you: Jason Bateman

Dear Jason Bateman,

You are an underrated actor with impeccable comedic timing. Your boyish charms are by no means smoldering - but extremely likable. I have some things to say to you.

J-Bate... Will you marry me? I don't know you personally; however, I feel like you are everything anyone would want in a partner. Your looks are above average - it's true, you might not be a say... Brad Pitt... but who wants Brad Pitt? Well, other than Mrs. Jolie. And Aniston. And millions of other women. BUT, my point is that dating Brad Pitt would be anything but sustainable. You are smart, and so very funny. Humour has to be the ultimate deal maker in a relationship. I think you could make me chuckle until we were both old and grey. But you'll die first cause I am younger. Unless the drinking and smoking catches up to me.

Arrested Development - in syndication - is STILL the funniest show on TV. I own all three seasons on DVD - and I am sure I have seen every episode about 50 times. Still not old. Mind you - this has as much to do with your co-stars. Why was it cancelled? Oh ya... stupid people weren't watching it. I am serious - if you did/do not watch this show - you are dumb. All good shows get cancelled early (see Veronica Mars with the equally winning Kristen Bell) - it's truly unfair that schlock like Grey's Anatomy (ugh - is anyone more annoying than Katherine Heigl... possibly Ellen Pompeo... although Sandra Oh happens to be quite charming) are still on and thriving. Before all you Grey's fans get all malignant on me - it's fuc*in ER with hotter people. I'm right. Right? If it wasn't on primetime and if you took away the high production quality it would be General Hospital.

But I digress. Jason... you toiled in obscurity for a while after your early days in Silver Spoons. But your re-emergence has been... well... quite wonderful. You are pretty much the best thing about any movie you're in. Couples Retreat. Check. Dodgeball. Check. Invention of Lying. Check. I could go on... but you get the picture.

I know you're already married... and totally not gay. But... well I just think we could be very happy. If you think so too... call me.

Malicious

Cyril Sneer was an aardvark? WTF?

I bit the bullet. I went out on a date. With a human being.

When I was asked about it by Garganeau this morning this is what I said verbatim - "I had the butter chicken, it was really good". Somehow I think there wasn't a love connection. I really think going for food on a first date is a bad idea for a few reasons. Firstly - so much can go wrong. Food in teeth, spills, talking with your mouth full, etc... Secondly - you are committing to an entire meal with this person. That can be as long as two hours! Two hours of awkward conversation, ugh. Sign me up! Lastly - The person you are going out with has to outshine the server, the other diners, and the food. Advantage - Butter Chicken.

Sorry potential suitor. You got served - Tandoori style.

For Halloween Garganeau and I dressed up as the racoons. Canadian animated series... Cyril Sneer... you know. The costumes came together well - and I thought it was a great idea. In retrospect - maybe we should have chosen something more immediately recognizable. And slutty. When you are a grown man dressed up as an animal - it's not attractive. Although, after explaining what we were to people who asked - they seemed amused.

I got trashed. I danced. I smoked. I downed shots. I got the hiccups. Badly. Have you ever gotten the drunk hiccups? They are indestructible. You can't beat them. Knife in a cup? Nope. Rub your ear lobes? Nada. Drink upside down? Doesn't work. My hiccups were so bad that everytime they occured I thought I was going to vomit. So I had to take my sad raccoon hiccuping a*s home early. But you can't pass out with all that crap on! So drunken shower time. Drunk showers are terrible. I have trouble standing still when drunk, add soap and water to the mix and I was a wet mess. I'm surprised I didn't smash my face off the faucet.

This or that: Natalie Portman vs. Reusable Grocery Bags

Natalie Portman

Born on June 9, 1981 (5 days after me in the same year! Gemini's rule) - Natalie gives young hollywood that touch of class it so often lacks.

This girl has it all... looks, brains (Harvard Degree Y'all), charm, and a rockin sense of humour (the funny or die videos she does with Rashida Jones are hilarious).

Talented? You bet! Closer... The Professional... V for Vendetta... Star Wars? Queen Armadillo? I don't think I will ever understand this choice. Why not leave the crap for the poor man's version of you Natalie? Are you listening Johansson and Knightley? Then there is Garden State - you made me shoot pop out of my nose when you told Zach Braff's character ' I can't believe you're not retarded!'.

Also - you can rock a shaved head like nobody's business. Hot.

Reusable Grocery Bags

The Environment. It's so hot right now. Literally. Icebergs melting and sh*t. Won't someone please think of the Polar Bears?! Sobey's has (and most other grocery stores). Let's save the ozone layer one meal at a time.

For those of you who live outside of Toronto, we Torontonians have had to pay a nickel everytime we go shopping and require a plastic bag. A nickel PER bag. If you are like me and you end up shopping almost everyday because you have no foresight or planning skills - this adds up. So not only do reusable grocery bags save the environment, but they are cost effective in the long run... right? Wrong.

If you are not over the age of 45 - you never bring one to the store. It's not that we don't have these bags, we have oodles in our closet/drawer/cupboard. That is not the problem. The problem is that we do not plan our day around going grocery shopping - it just happens. So not only do I pay a nickel each time I go shopping for a bag - my loft is also slowly being taken over by these reusable bags. Ever open your closet and have an as*load of used-to-be pop bottles in bag form come crashing into your face. Sound familiar?

Advantage: P-p-p-Portman! She's just so perty!

This is what I think of you: Gerard Butler

Uhmm... Hi Gerard Butler... *blush*,

I had to shoot and keep down a quart of tequila, rail some **** off of a very unsanitary bathroom counter in a seedy brothel, and smoke a pack of marlboros just to get the nerve to come up here and talk to you (apparently we are in Mexico). I just wanted to tell you... you're awesome, OMG I love you! You make me weak in the knees, and giggle like a 17 year old girl. I LOVE YOU. Like, borderline swimfan.

Where are you going?! Please don't be scared... That's not a gun in my pocket;)

Okay, well - while I have you here there are some things that need to be addressed. Aside from your insane hotness.

You are - in my opinion - Hollywood's current 'it' boy. What makes me think this... Widely adored. Check. Hot career trajectory. Check. Magazine covers. Check. Ruggedly handsome. Muthereffin Check. Do you deserve this... let's see.

Upon browsing your IMDb page... well, Gerry - you've made a lot of stinkers. Tomorrow Never Dies could only be considered good if you were Mr. bond, Tomb raider 3? Seriously... Dracula 2000 - I didn't see it but Dracula movies suck 90% of the time, Timeline? With Paul Walker??? Why? Why would you associate your supreme awesomeness with that schlock? I could go on with questionable credits, but you get the picture.

Then there was RocknRolla. Where you played One Two. And our love affair began. You were tough, and FUNNY, and the scene where you slow danced with Handsome Bob cause he was going to go to jail the next day and all he wanted was to dance with you... ugh... well let's just say I have a new reason to change my sheets (sorry drunken shawerma mess, you've been replaced). I also caught you on Saturday Night Live the other week - and you were good! The 300 spoof where you abolished the don't ask don't tell law for the Spartan army... priceless.

So despite your spotty filmography, you are super talented. But let's face it, even if you weren't I'd still love you just for you (and by you I mean your face). You rock a beard harder than anyone else in Tinsel Town which is aces in my book... but please no more teaming up with Katherine Heigl... She is more annoying than you are good-looking - so let's keep the attention on that face.

Call me!!!

P.S. What I lack in anatomy I make up for in enthusiasm. Wink;)

Slow Jams - Malicious Style

More music... oldie but a goody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG6IiTNXp1g

Favourite Lyric : I've got a roll of coins and I'm aiming for your loins and I'll never stop.

Brilliant.

This song is better than anything you are listening to right now

Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwfCjYv7gVQ

I love this track... and the video is wicked bad. Enjoy.

This or that: Nirvana (the band) vs. Vacuum Cleaners

Welcome to a new Thursday special... From now on I will be posting 'This or that' on Thursdays, 'What I think of you' on Tuesdays, and bulls*it the rest of the time. This or that is an in-depth (questionable) comparison of two people/groups/things/places, with one coming out on top.

Nirvana: Famous grunge rock pioneers circa the early 90's. Made up of Kurt Cobain (deceased), Dave Grohl (toiling in Nickelbackiness... ugh), and that other dude (Chris Norberneznik? Chris Napavasilic? Chris Nern... who cares). Most famous for being the initiaters of the Seattle music scene craze (and the untimely and grisly death of their vocalist) with their smash hit 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'... A raucous, loud, lyrically incoherent 5 minutes - and it rocked. It rocked so hard they did a mash-up of it against Destiny's Child and it still sounded raw.

For a band that only really had 4 years in the spotlight... they have spawned quite the following even today. Teenagers who were barely alive when Nirvana was putting out new music are still wearing 'Nevermind' t-shirts (which those of us who were alive find annoying). I know you'll say 'but they released You know you're right in 2002!' To that I say 'You know you're right' was shiteous. Terrible. You know I'm right.

It is in this humble bloggers opinion, that Nirvana's body of work is largely overrated. The singles are catchy and angsty; however, as a complete body of work it is a completely inferior to say... Pearl Jam (and Mr. Veddar is WAY swoonier than Cobain and his poor hygiene vibe). Now let's all have a mass flannel burning ceremony.

Vacuum Cleaners: Much like their competition... VC's are raucous, loud, and make other people in the same room incoherent. The older models just really blow dust and dirt back up into the air, so really nothing is being cleaned. They are expensive (you get what you pay for), and clumsy (unless you get one of those slick European ones), much like Kurt Cobain's journals that were released in 2002 - right about when 'You Know you're right' was...hmm... Artistic Integrity or cash grab? You tell me.

If you are a smart person, you will switch over to hardwood asap. Brooms and swiffers really are more efficient. But alas, to date no one has come up with a better alternative for a quick carpet clean than your old, clunky, attatchment-missing VC.

Advantage: Vacuum Cleaners, cause they aren't obsolete... yet.

We didn't start the fire! Shorty did...But we'll let her burn up the dancefloor!

So I know I usually write about things that don't matter much to most people; however, this post is about something truly important... Climate Change. Why am I writing about this here you ask? Well, on October 15th 2009 it was International Blogfest day (or some sh*t like that)... a kind of holiday for bloggers around the world... where we all post about one subject. This year that subject was climate change. I would not have had to do this if everyone who visited my page (there were over 100 of you yesterday) would start FOLLOWING my blog. I know who you are, I SEE your IP addresses. Follow it... or the next 'What I think of you' post will be about YOU.

Anyway - this is a shameless attempt to get my blog out there.

Climate Change... is something I can actually write about - believe it or not I work with the energy and resources industries quite closely and it has been an issue within that sector since I started dealing with them, and continues to be.

The Climate Change initiatives biggest enemy is not carbon - but money. Industry is generally a bit slow to comply with ever-changing Air Emissions Standards. I'm not going to do an in-depth analysis of the economic implications of these policies on this blog; however, these are multi-million/billion dollar changes to existing infrastructure in certain cases. Pricey, huh?

'Oh but it's worth it to save the planet?!' I agree. Please believe me I agree (except that I live in Canada and the idea of not trudging to work in boots come December with inevitably soaked bottom half of pants, and messed up hair from your toque... is well, kind of dreamy). But you need to understand the way these companies work. They DO make unbelievable amounts of money (well, the bigger ones at least... there are plenty of smaller oil & gas and mining outfits that struggle), but they are in fact private corporations. They have as much a right to profit as your local mechanic or grocer - as long as it is within the framework of our country's energy/resources regulatory body.

Which brings me to my point. Private energy and resource companies are demonized on a regular basis for environmental impacts, abusing First Nations traditional land, and creating eyesores by the communities around their projects. Should they be blamed? Yes and no... but more no. It is OUR government that continues to let these things happen. Why? Money, Money, Money. Any mass change needs to start in Parliament. You cannot expect industry to comply with anything but the minimum requirements, just hope.

So yay for renewables (which Ontario is currently doing a wonderful job of promoting I might add... Big ups to the Aborginal Loan Guarantee program! What What!), and yay for clean coal, and yay for Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, Heart... together they become Captain Planet... he's our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero. But the unfortunate truth is that Fossil Fuel energy is here for a while.

Now pass me a can of hairspray to unload and a bottle of tanning oil (totally kidding... err).

Check it: www.blogactionday.org

Follow me on twitter - @MaliciousMike81

This is what I think of you: Tori Amos

Hi Tori Amos,

You are a recording artist of mid-level fame - mostly known for your metaphor heavy emotionally intense songs, your prodigal skill with a piano, and eerie vocal stylings. I have a few things to say to you.

Tori... the Cornflake Girl... You are opinionated this is for sure. Your idiosyncratic comments about religion, sex, and feminism are strongly and creatively worded; however, it's your comments about other people I take umbrage with. This year you went on record saying Lady Gaga was a 'meteor' (again with the metaphors you clever clever girl), and probably would not last. To date - Lady Gaga has put out one album that has sold upwards of 3 million copies and 20 million digital singles. Upon reading your wikipedia page you have had some 25 million records sold in total since the early 90's. Lady Gaga is more popular now than you have ever been. Perhaps you are a superior songwriter, piano player, maybe even intellectual - but music is a business and you have been beaten in that respect.

There are also the comparisons to Ani Difranco - I'm not sure where you stand on Ani as an artist. But your fans seem to hate her. This is how I see it - Ani has a penchant to tell it like it is. You like to show-off with your poetic devices and let us figure it out on our own. As a writer one of the first tools I learned was to write as if my audience was dumb. I don't get poetry, or anyone's fascination with it... I don't think this makes me intellectually inferior, just lazy. Ani has more bite in one word than you do in an entire flimsy breathy one of your songs.

You are also in desperate need of a tan.

Don't get me wrong, 'Boys for Pele' was good... It's just that 'The Fame' curbstomps it. Someone needs to slap the uppitiness out of you like a red-headed stepchild (that was a similie... see? you're not so special).

Now back in your cave.

Never Sit on a Couch in Turkey

As I sit to write this weekend update I realize I have no idea what I did on Friday. Seriously. Not because I was too drunk, or out of control in general, but because it blended in. When I talk to the people I grew up with who still live in the suburbs - I'm always hearing about quiet nights in, movie nights, glass of wine and some cuddling kinda evenings. To this I say - 'Well, what did you do on the weekend?' Completely oblivious to the fact that that was their weekend. I think I might be able to count the amount of Fridays and Saturdays I have stayed in (and done nothing) post high school on two hands... And I don't count going to the movies - you can go to a movie on a weekday and be fine for work in the morning. No skill involved there. Just the ability to sit and stare.

The fact that I cannot remember Friday (even though precisely at this moment I DO remember what I did) might mean that I either need to scale back the night outs... in an effort to make each one more memorable OR I could find new places to go. This seems more productive. I will explore my city further, make new friends, destroy my liver and soul in new venues. Any suggestions?

Saturday... I remember. Vividly. Well, vividly might be pushing it; however, it was quite memorable. The night started out like any other, consuming a magnum of wine to myself and then heading out to meet the boys. The bar was pretty much like any other night (Woody's in this case)... until the last 20 minutes. We were sitting at a table talking amongst ourselves when we finally noticed that there was a table of similar aged, good looking men right next to us. After some yell flirting we decided to push the tables together. 20 minutes later the lights came on (which is one of the worst feelings in the world), affirming that we were all reasonably attractive individuals. Time to go home? I think not.

Illegal after hours clubs! First we headed to one on Queen West - though they wouldn't open the door for us b/c some drunken frat dorks were standing outside and making a scene. So DJ suggested we hit a different one - in Kensington Market (Capital of Hipster of Douchebaggery in my opinion... and it's my blog, so piss off). This place was in the middle of the city, but felt completely isolated... Situated down a dark alley, it's door was covered with graffitti. After we knocked on the door, a very tough-looking woman answered and informed us (in a very surly manner) that we shouldn't fu*kin knock and there is a camera mounted so they can see we need to be let in.

This place was dirty. DIRTY. Not only were they illegally serving alcohol after hours, but there was also illegal gambling and I'm pretty sure prostitution going on. The only girl I saw there aside from the bartender (who looked kinda like a younger Grace Jones... but less majestic... and more used) was a tranny prostitute who took a liking to me - see she was Turkish and sells her body, and I'm the whitest arabic person you've ever seen and collect comics... that makes us the same? According to her, yes. After she regaled me with a story about how she offered a guy a bj, and he refused calling her disgusting, then later when he was in the washroom she accosted him and he let her (straight guys, please stop playing coy... it's embarassing) she said goodbye to me and tried to kiss me... I gave her the cheek (thank god my reflexes weren't too impaired). Still - I had to leave shortly after because I was sure I had Turkish Prostitute herpes all over my face and the couch I was sitting on looked like it might have had Hepatitis C.

Attention - Get your A*s to the Dance Floor!

So I have this awesome friend who is a wicked fresh DJ... Goes by DJ TLA.

If you read my blog, this is the aforementioned remix of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' he made. When he first let me listen to it he prefaced the song by telling me it's 'super gay'... That it is - but also super awesome. At least I think so - and my opinion is better than yours... about everything... all the time. Eat it.

Here's the link my duckies - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83fBv1fCUhA

ALSO! Another post coming today as I have had quite the booze fueled Tuesday night! Until then.

Thanksgiving Extravaganza or Girls Girls Girls!

Thanksgiving weekend has come and gone. I still feel the 'turkey sleeps'... but that might also be my addiction to cough medicine. Apart from the two thanksgiving feasts I put my waistline through over the past three days - I managed to get blind drunk at a pre-birthday, and birthday party. Is everyone familiar with the' birthday week'? Apparently mothers who gave birth from 1978 to 1985 took a whole week to squeeze their litter out.

I know this to be true because I am a 1981... and everyone I call a friend was born circa '78-'85. All of these people have multiple events for one occasion (kinda like straight people and weddings... seriously, like 7 functions for a wedding??? I'm glad you're in love but f*ck off).

Anyway, this past weekend we were celebrating the birth of the one and only DJ. On Friday after consuming a pre-bottle of wine to socially lubricate ourselves, B-rock and I headed over to DJ's place for the pre-drink... It is a tradition of mine to always preempt the pre-drink with booze so I don't spend the first 20 minutes of the pre-drink downing copius amounts of booze to deal with my conversational awkwardness. At his place, there were upwards of 20 very good looking eligible gay men. Could it be things were looking up for Malicious?

No. They were not.

Where do 30 drunk gay men go for a birthday to dance? Church Street? No. Queen West? Are you kidding? The Brunswick House? Uh... ya? Yes, we went to the Brunny (which I have described to people in the past as 'where frat boys go to date rape stupid girls'). Despite my initial reservations I had a great time... I think. All was a bit fuzzy after B-Rock and I polished the 26 er of Crown at DJ's place and then everyone was buying everyone shots... and then THIS happened. At a party filled with gorgeous goodlooking men - drunk and having a good time. I picked up a... girl. Yes - I was making out with a girl all over that bloody bar. In the end I remember three things from that night:

1. Screaming 'Don't Stop Believing' at the top of my lungs into the poor persons ear beside me
2. Girls mouths are small
3. There is nothing worse than falling asleep with a messy shawarma still in your hand

Thanks Booze.

Love,

Malicious

Today's Post is brought to you by the Number '3'

Ever since I heard the old adage, 'Good things come in threes' - I have been terrified. What is the shelf life of these supposed 'good things'? Does it mean 3 good things will happen to you in your lifetime? Or is it more like a renewable cycle - after every 3 good things that happen, do I get three more at a later date? How long do I have to wait to qualify for my next set?

Conversely, does this mean bad things come in threes as well? Must I go through a trio of terrible events in order to redeem my good gift card? Or do these things happen concurrently? I also contemplate the magnitude of the good or bad thing that happens - is it like physics? Does every action have an equal reaction?

I am going to go back to Yesterday evening and count...

Hailstorm called me with a free ticket to a movie - GOOD THING
Did not die in my sleep - GOOD THING
iPod played a continuous stream of good songs while on shuffle during walk to work without me having to press 'next' a billion times - GOOD THING

Person brought dog into the office today and it took a sh*t right beside my desk... almost vomitted - BAD THING
(*side note: this is a prime example of why I am a cat person through and through)
Yogurt that was purchased three days ago says the expiry was Sept. 17 - BAD THING

So as it stands I am waiting for one more bad thing to happen to me - and tonight I will be seeing my ex for the first time in months at a mutual friend's party... he will most likely bring his new special friend... hmm, maybe i'll pass away before that... which could be more pleasant (side note part two: this is why I love objects now). If I die I leave all my assets to Hailstorm... thanks for the movie! Enjoy my comics.

Bizarre Love Triangle

I have a major dilemma... Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland style for real. I used to laugh at the people who cheated (and worried about it) - s*x and intimacy could totally be separated. Right? I thought so.

So... I should tell you (if you don't already know), I am an objectum sexual. I don't love people, just things (check out http://www.objectum-sexuality.org/). I don't really understand why people fall in love with other people, they have thought processes and entire lives of their own! How can you control that?! I mean, what good is spending time with someone if you have to do what THEY want to do sometimes, or god forbid anticipate how something you do will make THEM feel?! Madness. Plus it's so passe.

Being an Objectum Sexual is hip... and I am the hippest because I am involved in a sordid affair, caught against my own better judgement between two formidable suitors. What could be worse? I'll tell you - they both moved in with me over the past few months, so now it's just so darn awkward to be in my own home. I just can't bring myself to ask one of them to leave.

This is my own version of Alanis Morissette's 'Unsent'

Dear Slow Cooker I like you alot,
You were first in my heart and second to none
I hope you know that
I want you to know that I truly appreciate
Coming home from work tired and hungry
To find that you have been slaving away all day
Delicious Pot roast.

Dear Space heater, you rocked my world
Our love is new and truly exciting
I hope it lasts
You should be privy to the fact that I glow
When you cuddle me to sleep at night
The best is that you're still there when I wake up
Toasty blankets.

As you can see I am at an impass. How do I live without one of these lovers?

It's not cold in here, you're just dying

It's Saturday 11:04 am and I feel surprisingly coherent after spending a night out with Brett. Yesterday morning everything was terrible and today - 180 degrees my friends. Why you ask? Two magnificent words - Space Heater.

Explanation: Okay so I live in loft ( a REAL loft, not a chi chi one) on the top floor... we are talking concrete and exposed bricks. It makes for a living space with real character, but the unfortunate side effect is little to no insulation. Translation: When the weather turned chilly this week I became dead-like. At first to combat this - I bundled. This is a hard thing for me to do, I loathe having to wear more than skimpy underwear in my own dwellings. Baggy hoodies, jogging pants, that sort of thing. Needless to say this would not do. I will be semi-nude in my own home regardless of the weather damn it! I don't care how much energy I have to waste - to hell with you Mr. Suzuki.

So I went on Craigslist (this site is magic, provides endless hours of amusement for me) and found myself a space heater for 30 bucks (brand new!). After, I went to meet the man in a sketchy part of Toronto (Big ups Allan Gardens), he told me the heater was in his car in an underground parking garage. My spidey-sense was on the fritz so I went along. When he opened the trunk there were three things in it - my space heater, a crow bar, and a bag of red onions. So I gave him the 30 for the heater and traded a little quick s*x for the onions - what! a boys gotta eat!

Which brings me back to my beginning... It's like Jamaica in here.

Last night I went over to Brett and Williams place with a giant bottle of cheap wine (I'm not really the type to drink for taste... and if I do... it's Tang), a pack of smokes, and my freakum threads. When I got there, Brett was drinking as per usual, and William was baking up a vegan storm - two layer lemon pumpkin cheesecake - because he had entered the vegan bake-off (happening TODAY at harourfront ... 4pm-7pm... 2 bucks gets u all the samples you want!). Drink Drink Drink, smoke smoke smoke... Good Handy's.

So in an attempt to spite Big Primpin (gay hip hop party) for being so west-endy, we decided to go to the 'Dirty Sexy Party' at Good Handy's (Toronto's Pansexual playground... this is the actual tagline). This event is really an excuse to ogle pornstars... they fly one in from somewhere (usually the US) and that person does everything on stage shy of going all the way, and then moves to a private party upstairs where he does in fact go all the way in front of a select group (and yes... I am cool enough to be invited apparently). Everyone gets hot and bothered and you eventually end up going home with someone and regretting it. I left with someone... Brett. Except we went to Fran's Diner where I consumed my weight in Hollandaise sauce.

Overall the night was 80% dirty, 10% sexy, with the remaining 10% being mostly made up of mystery meat.

Today/Tonight - Vegan Bake-off and Nuit Blanche!

My Life Episode III - The Mormons Strike Back/Help! The maritimes stole my best friend.

Because of sensitive subject matter I have decided to omit all questionable and/or offensive material from the Saturday/Sunday episode. I was left with this:

Went to house party... delete delete delete... went to Buddies... delete delete delete... went back to house party... delete delete delete... woke up in a room wearing an oversized flannel house coat (neither of which were mine) and nothing underneath with a bucket next to me... delete delete delete... went for brunch with B-Rock, Cpt. Pierce, and DJ TLA (gay polygamists unite - I'm first wife!)... delete delete delete... Uber homosexual pool party with Caesars and Mimosas... delete delete delete... Hazy memory of pizza and burritos... Wake up with feelings of shame and wasted potential... Fin.

My Life Episode II - Weird Scions

Friday - I woke up early on Friday morning with a lot of enthusiasm and excitement... Today we were taking my cousin to Wonderland (for those of you reading that are not from this country - and there people [I check the hits by geography... 6 countries so far!] - Wonderland is a theme park with roller coasters). After driving the 40 minutes to Vaughan... we found out that the park was now only open on weekends. So we turned around and headed downtown.

Where do you take a foreigner when they come to Toronto you ask? The CN Tower of course! This would also be MY first time up the tower... and I have lived in or around Toronto for my whole life. Just as I had thought... not worth it. I didn't think it wasn't worth it b/c I have some kind of hate on for my city... I love T.O. I even get defensive when people bash it. I feel the same way about the CN as I do about the Eiffel. I've now been up both and I can tell you. Save your money... go drinking one more night instead. You DO NOT stay up either for longer than 10 mins - and in the CN towers case that is about as long as you wait to get up... after you drop 30+ bucks. The wait time for the Eiffel is roughly 2 hours to get to the top. By the time you reach it you are so cold/tired of standing that you come right back down - which is also about an hour wait.

After we get home I leave my siblings and cousin for a nap while they take a hop on hop off tour of Toronto (I figure I live in the city... this would be a waste). Naps are god's gift to us - I could nap everyday... three times. Post naptastic time - I get ready and we all go to Levack Block where we dance to old school hip hop and my jacket gets stolen. I thought the west end was safer cause of all the 'Artsy' types. Hipsters are posers. I'll take a business suit over skinny jeans wide frame glasses and a patchy beard any day.

Doesn't matter I was too drunk to care. Tomorrow is the biggie though... this shi**y post is worth the lead up trust me.

My Life Episode I - The Return of the GNR/Weekend at Bowlies

First things first - I apologize for the amount of time since my last post... this weekend has been a scandalous one indeed... which equals lots of sh*t to regale you with. Got your seat belts on? Good. This is going to be a long one (if I can actually remember it all). Here we go!

Thursday - We took my visiting cousin bowling... My sister, brother and I. I fuc*in loathe this sport. Sport? Is this a sport or a game? Clarification please. If fat people can excel at it I don't think it should be called a sport. Really I'm just bitter because I am completely inept at bowling. Which astounds me as I have a certain level of physical prowess at almost any activity I attempt... but for some reason I cannot roll a god forsaken ball down an aisle to knock over some pins. I can however flip backwards through the air multiple times on command... but rolling a ball, not so much. So after making an as* of myself - hurting my wrist in the process (why are these balls so heavy? How come my fingers don't fit in the lighter ones properly? I like the shoes though) - I finally take a moment to look around and examine my environment. We are bowling in Oshawa... I had been here before for a birthday (J-Dubz), but during that event I was nicely socially lubricated. Tonight, S-O-B-E-R. People who bowl are all of these things:

1. of questionable attractiveness (and I LOVE straight guys... to the point of losing almost all standards... even Mexicans sometimes... totally kidding... I would never)
2. of questionable moral fibre (tonight was 'ladies' night, which meant my sister got in for free and there were a crap load of drunk white girls - from Oshawa - grinding against anything that moved and some things that didn't to music by women of colour... also there was one East Indian family... Indians love bowling. Who knew?)
3. guys who bowl love GNR like I did when I was in Grade 7 (Use Your Illusion T-Shirts forever)
4. Big fans of button up shirts that depict samurais and Wolverine on them
5. Pregnant or soon to be

I could go on, but I think you all understand my feelings about bowling and those who partake in it. I have decided to give you my weekend update in parts... this was part one: Thursday. Stay tuned for Friday through Sunday!

Side note - My mom just phoned me and during the conversations called me a 'Pussy Head' - Thanks mom, ditto.

I'm not fat! or smelly! Whatever... you shop at Walmart!

So tonight my cousin came from overseas... After picking him up at the airport, chatting the whole way to my parents house, enjoying each others company and all that... we sit down to a nice family dinner with my entire family minus my sister... which is fine by me as the bitch is loud (and I love her). Cousin hardly eats a thing... and it should be mentioned that he is very skinny. After my very not-white mom tries to force different things down his throat (by things I mean food stuff... dirty birds), he exclaims that he hardly ever eats and sometimes works so hard all day he forgets to at all. I retort, "Really? If I don't eat every 2 hours I get a little crazy." To which he replies... "Oh? You don't look THAT fat." I'm not sure if this was a language complication or a backhanded compliment. Either way it became the running gag of the entire night.

After dinner we drove downtown with my brother to show him a bit of the city. We stopped in at a pub for a drink (Kalendar at College and Euclid... GREAT patio, nice clients, able servers, and they carry amsterdam blonde... aces) and some more chit chat before I finally headed home to my room mate. Who is currently smoking weed with two of his friends in the living room while I am confined to my room... which he told me 'smells' tonight - Honestly? Could it be because I spend as much time as possible away from this place with my door closed... might the air be stale? Cause the rest of the loft wreaks like pot and I don't complain. Aren't stoners supposed to be happy and mellow? Pfft. So I bought some Febreze to appease him and sprayed the room. Which I am not sitting in... breathing in copius amounts of Febreze - which I'm not too sure is great for me. Oh well, at least it's the antibacterial kind that kills 99.9% of Bacteria that cause odours.

If I get cancer... this is why. Definitely not the pack of cigs I smoke when I am drunk. Yes, I am a social smoker - hate on me now. Get it over with. Anyway, I have more exciting news than this sh*t... LINK TIME!! This one is a keeper too. Do you hate Walmart like I hate Walmart? If so... ENJOY!!!

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

If you shop there (J-Dubz), I'm sorry. But admit it - tragic.

Jesus + Facebook / Peer Pressure x height = Long Duck Dong

September 22, 2009
1:45 am

It has been a couple days since my last post, and that was just a link so it really doesn't count. Tonight was pleasantly spent sitting at the second cup with three of my best girlfriends (J-Dubz, K-Dizzle, K-Special Sauce... As you might have been able to tell by now - hip hop names, or rather really bad hip hop names are kind of a thing with my friends and I... which is totally unjustified as we are collectively the whitest people on Earth with absolutely NO street cred... but I digress). First off let me say... Second Cup is inferior to Starbucks. I am really not a coffee drinker to be honest; however, I do like to eat my share of desserts. Do not order the lemon buttercream cupcake, the mint devil's chocolate cupcake, or the white chocolate macadamian (sp?) nut cookie. All terrible. The best thing about Second Cup had to be the amazing music they were playing (I have a soft spot for adult contemporary - 'Hey now, hey now, Don't dream it's over...'), and the crazy lady sitting directly behind us. She was there before we got there (monopolizing the seats near the electricity outlet... not using anything that needed power) and was there when we left. As far as I could tell she only had one beverage and also enjoyed the music a great deal... to the point of dancing in her chair all spastic like.

Now, K-Dizzy just got married over the summer - and this meeting was the first time we had all sat down since her wedding/honeymoon to discuss. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, marriage and babies is not something I generally think about. Please do not confuse this with a dislike for weddings, on the contrary, I love them. Remember my other rule - Free food/free booze = I'm there. Cash bar = Facebook deletion and a rumour started by me about your latest outbreak of herpes. On top of K-Dizzy's wedding bliss, J-Dubz and K-Sauce are engaged... so this conversation was pretty one track.

After looking at all the wonderful wedding pictures where K-Dizzy looks freakin gorgeous (I am gay, but this girl is a knockout my duckies... 10). We collectively decide to log onto facebook to peruse our lists and see what's tragic. Natch. I also feel at this point in time I should mention Second Cup has FREE wireless internet (which makes me take back what I said before - Starbucks... more like Shmarbucks). Facebook is good for two things, creeping and making yourself feel better about yourself... and restaurant city (that game is rad). If you are reading this, we did not look at your page... relax.

Gay chat line break!

Asian/Pacific Islander Male, 32
Him: hi
Me:hi
Him: where u live
Me: ***** & *********
Him: u drive?
Me: sometimes
Him: ic
Him: do u want meet now
Me: for what?
Him: quick sex
Me: sounds enticing... define 'quick'
him: ? ( i don't think his english is very good... either 'enticing' or 'define' must have stumped him)
Me: what exactly do you mean by quick?
Him: su*k then fu*k
Me: only in that order?
Him: interest?
Me: So like... 2 mins or less for each? Is that quick enough?
Him: Up to you... I mean 10 min 15 min
Me: well... which one... 10 or 15? I need to know what to expect and how to pace myself.
Him: ok
Him: if you not interest now
Him: then bye
Me: Don't leave like this, I think I love you.
Him: ha
Him: Do you want meet now
Me: are you open to marriage?
Him: ???
Me: I need a soulmate... and I think you're it.
Him: I think u not interest me

END conversation

Conversation #2

him: hey

Me: hi

him: how's it going?

him: love the pics

Me: thanks!

him: what are you up to?

Me: I like your pic too... well, what i can see of u

Me: just layin around, writing

him: kool

Me: yup

Me: u

him: i unlocked the other pics

him: checking messages and unwinding

Me: oh ya... stressful day?

him: little bit

Me: aww... why?

him: just one of those days

him: should be back to normal tomorrow

Me: what do u do?

him: sales development

Me: cool

him: you?

Me: relic hunter

him: intriguiging

Me: ya, it's pretty awesome... spend my days searching for treasure with inept co-workers, and mixing it up with nasty villains who I always defeat with a well-placed roundhouse kick

him: must be a government job

Me: lol (at this point I am hopeful that he might be alright)

him: are you open to play?

Me: i love playing... what do u wanna play?

him: a few round of you

Me: hmm... can you explain the rules?

him: well depends on the guidelines

Me: are there dice? and trivia... I love trivia

him: generally, one to meet the other, some petting and rubbing, lossening of constrictive clothing, sheding of such clothing and ...

him: could be a bottle

him: maybe some random q|s too

him: q's too

him: hmmm

him: could also have a few penalties

Me: haha... i'm getting confused, are we still talking about games or is this one big sexual innuendo?

him: both

End conversation - I hate sexual innuendos.

Maybe I should be a priest???

Bonnie Tyler is wack... "Wiggidy wack?" you ask... No. Just regular type

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

Crunk at Granny's place

Saturday September 19, 2009
7:35 am - Just got in from my night out

The sun is shining, the skies are clear, the birds are chirping, and I feel like death. I hope you're happy booze... you have claimed yet another one of my nights.

In an effort to explain how I got here let me break down the night... itinerary style.

5:30 pm - Garganeau comes over to get my suitcase for her trip to the land down under... leaves with suitcase, 3 movies, a dress (not mine... don't ask) and a book. Apparently hers is not big enough and she thinks she has claim to everything that is mine. She is loud the entire time that she is over and laments the hardships that will befall her on her trip. She is going to Australia... I am not. For this reason - I have trouble sympathizing. The only advice I gave her was to make sure she slept with at least one man while there - you really can't say you've been somewhere until you've done that.

6:00 pm - Tested new way to cook chicken breast (well, new to me). Seared breast on all side using a very hot pan and lots of butter (god's gift to your mouth), before seasoning and baking. The process was worth it - tasty and moist MEAT TALLY = 1

6:30 pm - Walked 10 city blocks in order to meet my sister and pick up her car. Listened to iPod the entire walk - had it on random (didn't matter cause everyone knows even though you have a million songs on the bloody thing you only listen to 10)

7:00pm - Went back to my place to pick up laundry, laptop, and toiletries bag for my trip to my parents place (where I now sit)

7:30 pm - After some phone tag, my plans have changed... I am now going into Leslieville for a bbq at Cpt. Pierce's house. I tried to resist but he told me I wouldn't even have to buy booze, he has a big bottle of Vodka we could share... Free booze and food - I am there.

8:00 pm - On my way I pick up my good friend and ex roommate Brett. He has two extremely thick steaks for us and an entire box of tandoori chicken skewers. We then make our way to Cpt. Pierce's house stopping on the way at the liquor store. Brett buys a big bottle of spiced rum and mickey of kahlua (which until tonight I thought only my mom drank).

8:45 pm - We arrive at the BBQ, exchange intros/pleasantries/zombie exit strategy theories (this is a staple conversation topics whenever Brett and I get together). Brett makes me this concoction that I cannot name now for the life of me but it goes something like this - 4 parts spiced rum, 1.5 parts kahlua, splash with coke for colour. It is sickeningly sweet, but goes down easy... too easy. After two more of those I somehow get nominated to work the grill (party is full of gay guys and girls... so in retrospect I was prolly the best choice).

9:45 pm - As I drunkenly try to light the bbq in the dark I almost set myself on fire. No real damage, just some singed arm hair... not to worry, plenty left. There are upwards of 10 people at this shindig and everyone has brought something to eat. I'm cooking burgers, shrimp (that I swore were lobsters), chicken, lamb, steak... all the while still drinking (we have moved to vodka water in an attempt to hydrate while maintaining my buzz).

10:45 pm - Finally done on the grill (this took so long because Brett insisted that the steaks needed to marinate longer... they were very tasty so I can't fault him) and I smell like a dream mix of cigs, booze, smoke and meat. I eat some of everything. Meat tally = 6 Now onto beer and rye and ginger (alternating for some reason)

11:00 pm - 2:00 am - Who knows... tequila shots

5:15 am - Wake up in strange bed. Get dressed and go downstairs to find party still going. Drink copious amounts of water, chew gum, listen to my friend JM's remix of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga (wicked awesome), and drive home.

7:30 am - Arrive at parents place and eat leftovers from last night... Pork Chops. Meat tally = 7

So now you know how that all went... and understand why my body fu*kin hates me right now. It thinks I just tried to kill it. The other point of interest to the night has to be the house Cpt. Pierce lives in. He is a twenty-something somewhat hip kinda guy, just finished his masters in something I will not bore you with. But he lives in a 3 bedroom house with a 50+ year old opera singer. The house looks like your grandma's might... old school wallpaper, framed pictures of people who you're sure are dead or on the verge of being, fake flowers, potpourri... ovaltine. HOWEVER... the piece de resistance... a glass bowl... with mother bleepin hard candy in it! AND it's all stuck together too! Just like granny used to have! Seriously I kept expecting to find a werthers originals in my back pocket (or a milkful).

Good. Night.

I used to be famous...

Thanks for the overwhelming amount of response to my first post (by overwhelming I mean like 5 or 6 comments... including face book... but I set the bar low)!

So here it is, post numero two.

I am actually kinda intoxicated as I write this entry... after spending the last few hours at my friend Garganeau's place drinking cheap red wine on her patio overlooking the TTC (toronto transit commission) graveyard with some other friends (shout outs Crumps, J-rock, Hailstorm, G-funk, and Elizizzy)... I find myself swaying back and forth whilst trying to come up with something to write about.

Well to begin matters... I must say goodbye to Eliza (for some reason she has decided to move to Korea of all places to teach english...). Eliza... I want to give you a gift of sorts to take with you to Korea (are you going to South or North? Are they still separated? Which one is the bad one? Is this the place where that Kim Jong Il lives? I hear he likes movies) Anyway... here is a little nugget for you to take with you to Korea... courtesy of wikipedia!

KOREA
Korea (Hangul: 한국 or 조선) is a civilization and formerly unified nation currently divided into two states. Located on the Korean Peninsula, it borders China to the northwest, Russia to the northeast, and is separated from Japan to the east by the Korea Strait.

I hope you enjoyed that... I'm sure no one else did.

Also... my good friend Garganeau is leaving for the land down under on Sunday. I told her this was not a good idea for two reasons... 1) Aborigines 2) If anyone is going to be attacked by a flock of emu, she will be attacked by a flock of emu.

Enough bon voyages already... let's get to the meat of this post. Jackie.

I just had a ten minute conversation with my friend Jackie via telephone... this is quite a feat as I abhor speaking on the phone. It is another one of my illegitimate fears. I NEVER answer the phone to a private number, or even a number that is not recognized by my phone book. These calls go straight to voicemail... which I check once a week, and ALWAYS too late for the message in question to be relevant in any capacity. In addition to never answering these unknown attempts to contact me, I am also an avid call screener. Chances are if I don't answer the phone when you call I HAVE noticed that you called and am doing something much too important to answer (like writing this or laying in bed not sleeping).

Anyway... Jackie had the audacity to try and trick me into thinking tomorrow was her birthday and I should write her a post about it. Then when I was hesitant because deep down I knew she was a trifling bi*ch of a liar, she guilt tripped me. I checked facebook (May 18). Sleep with one eye open Jackie... and watch yo man.

Don't you hate it when your talking to someone who is an acquaintance of yours and they insist on telling you stories about people you don't know. And you just wanna strangle them and scream about how you don't care. I do. But I never do that. Ever.

Tonight, as always I have the gay chat line open as I write this blog. But there have been no 'bites', much to my chagrin.

Since I am drunk this makes me feel unattract... Wait! I just got one!

Caucasian male...36 years...
Him: Hey
Me: hi
Him: how r u?
Me: Great thanks! you?
Him: Good horny hehe
Me: oh ya? I bet antlers can be fun, but sometimes cumbersome
Him: lol
Him: u looking?
Me: For what?
Him: Su*k n Fu*k
Him: u?
Me: a way to stay in this country
Him: ok... goodnight.

And Another msg!

Caucasian Male... 30 years old
Him: Hey whats going on
Me:not much. u?
Him:just sittin around, a little bored...u?
Me: just writing
Him: that is cool... you look familiar... haha in a good way
Me: I used to be famous
Him: haha really?
Me: absolutely, ever see Degrassi the original series?
Him: ya
Me: I played BLT
Long Pause... I am sure he is google image searching

Him: that is cool:) can we chat on msn it is a little easier cause this chat thing keeps lockig ************@hotmail.com

After that I definitely ended the conversation. Because only two things could have occured. 1) He DIDN'T research the pic for BLT and shows no active interest in my history and accomplishments (fake that they might be) or 2) He DID look it up and thinks I look like a 12 year old black kid.

I'm not sure who gets the FAIL there. Me? Him? BLT?

The most special person in my life...

http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Your_mom

Post 1... Dragons and Perverts and Rabies oh my

Well well... Currently it is 11:59pm on Septemeber 16, 2009... and I am about to begin my very first Blog. Hmmm.... It's now midnight on September 17, 2009. Which date deserves to be the official beginning of the awesomeness that is Malicious M's blog... I know how to decide this.... fight to the death. Choose your weapons! Ahh.... September 16th, a broadsword - how dungeons and dragons... 17th, you have chosen to wield a flamethrower - retro.

As these respective dates duke it out, let me forewarn any reader that this 'project' has been spurred by complete boredom. This script has no meaning. I have just finished listening to chapter 3 of an audio book centered around the life and times of a Dragon (I capitalize Dragon cause they are both to be feared and revered) and the human that rides on the back of it. I'm hip. Directly following this ridiculous post, I will watch the finale of True Blood season 2... a show about vampires... and sex... and sexy vampires. Directly after that I will fiercely masterb... I will go to bed.

As I write this I have a gay chat line going on in the background - this is done in an attempt to passively accomplish meeting that special someone. Currently my message box contains 3 mails.

Mail 1 - Caucasian male... 55 years old... Re: Do you like older men?

ANSWER: I like older men... 55 is kinda hot. Do you have a pic? No? Well do you look like Jorge Clooney?

No Response.

Mail 2 - Middle Eastern male... 35 years old... Re: Hey hottie;)

ANSWER: Ignore (this was done b/c whenever I get a private msg from a Middle Eastern male I have this irrational fear that they are related to me... I also have this same fear when travelling in a taxi while intoxicated... which is whenever I am in a taxi)


Mail 3 - Caucasian male... 23 years old... Re: How's it going?

ANSWER: Great thanks! What's up?

Response: Me;)

Ignore

My romantic future is bleak.

I guess the danger in starting a blog is that one day you might have nothing to write about. This probably isn't a fear for people who have deep and meaningful lives, or who are constantly challenging themselves with new adventures... or you know, people who have their dose of daily social interaction. But for me... the fear is legitimate. See... I have friends, and I love them (they are reading this); however, sometimes I get in these hermit moods. During these times I prefer the company of the world wide web, or the internet, or both... I hear they are similar, I dunno... the extent of my computer savvy is reserved for search engines, facebook, and por... wikipedia.

Ooooooh! Another message!

Caucasian Male... 38 years old... Re: whrere u goign to the barn? (I have no patience for sloppy keyboarding)

Answer: No.

Response: Why? u can fu*k me in the dark room, lol

(somehow I feel that despite the 'lol', he is not kidding)

Answer: it's too late now (I don't wanna offend him, he could be Mr. Right!!!)

As I recover from that brush with destiny, I must explain that I am not desperate, or ugly, or even without my charms. Just lazy in love. It's just not that important to me. I DO have love in my life... I love my mom. I love my friends. I love my cat. I love eating an entire box of cookies while playing 3 hours of final fantasy (in my defense it felt like 10 mins... and Japanese people design these games so they are addictive... and time flies when you're having a SUPAH FUN TIME!). Marriage and babies though... more like Shmarriage and Rabies! haha. Actually, I take that back. Rabies is a serious affliction and should not be taken lightly. Enough, I tire of this and Sookie Stackhouse and her vamp buds await my return.

Until Next time!