Friday - I woke up early on Friday morning with a lot of enthusiasm and excitement... Today we were taking my cousin to Wonderland (for those of you reading that are not from this country - and there people [I check the hits by geography... 6 countries so far!] - Wonderland is a theme park with roller coasters). After driving the 40 minutes to Vaughan... we found out that the park was now only open on weekends. So we turned around and headed downtown.
Where do you take a foreigner when they come to Toronto you ask? The CN Tower of course! This would also be MY first time up the tower... and I have lived in or around Toronto for my whole life. Just as I had thought... not worth it. I didn't think it wasn't worth it b/c I have some kind of hate on for my city... I love T.O. I even get defensive when people bash it. I feel the same way about the CN as I do about the Eiffel. I've now been up both and I can tell you. Save your money... go drinking one more night instead. You DO NOT stay up either for longer than 10 mins - and in the CN towers case that is about as long as you wait to get up... after you drop 30+ bucks. The wait time for the Eiffel is roughly 2 hours to get to the top. By the time you reach it you are so cold/tired of standing that you come right back down - which is also about an hour wait.
After we get home I leave my siblings and cousin for a nap while they take a hop on hop off tour of Toronto (I figure I live in the city... this would be a waste). Naps are god's gift to us - I could nap everyday... three times. Post naptastic time - I get ready and we all go to Levack Block where we dance to old school hip hop and my jacket gets stolen. I thought the west end was safer cause of all the 'Artsy' types. Hipsters are posers. I'll take a business suit over skinny jeans wide frame glasses and a patchy beard any day.
Doesn't matter I was too drunk to care. Tomorrow is the biggie though... this shi**y post is worth the lead up trust me.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
My Life Episode I - The Return of the GNR/Weekend at Bowlies
First things first - I apologize for the amount of time since my last post... this weekend has been a scandalous one indeed... which equals lots of sh*t to regale you with. Got your seat belts on? Good. This is going to be a long one (if I can actually remember it all). Here we go!
Thursday - We took my visiting cousin bowling... My sister, brother and I. I fuc*in loathe this sport. Sport? Is this a sport or a game? Clarification please. If fat people can excel at it I don't think it should be called a sport. Really I'm just bitter because I am completely inept at bowling. Which astounds me as I have a certain level of physical prowess at almost any activity I attempt... but for some reason I cannot roll a god forsaken ball down an aisle to knock over some pins. I can however flip backwards through the air multiple times on command... but rolling a ball, not so much. So after making an as* of myself - hurting my wrist in the process (why are these balls so heavy? How come my fingers don't fit in the lighter ones properly? I like the shoes though) - I finally take a moment to look around and examine my environment. We are bowling in Oshawa... I had been here before for a birthday (J-Dubz), but during that event I was nicely socially lubricated. Tonight, S-O-B-E-R. People who bowl are all of these things:
1. of questionable attractiveness (and I LOVE straight guys... to the point of losing almost all standards... even Mexicans sometimes... totally kidding... I would never)
2. of questionable moral fibre (tonight was 'ladies' night, which meant my sister got in for free and there were a crap load of drunk white girls - from Oshawa - grinding against anything that moved and some things that didn't to music by women of colour... also there was one East Indian family... Indians love bowling. Who knew?)
3. guys who bowl love GNR like I did when I was in Grade 7 (Use Your Illusion T-Shirts forever)
4. Big fans of button up shirts that depict samurais and Wolverine on them
5. Pregnant or soon to be
I could go on, but I think you all understand my feelings about bowling and those who partake in it. I have decided to give you my weekend update in parts... this was part one: Thursday. Stay tuned for Friday through Sunday!
Side note - My mom just phoned me and during the conversations called me a 'Pussy Head' - Thanks mom, ditto.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'm not fat! or smelly! Whatever... you shop at Walmart!
So tonight my cousin came from overseas... After picking him up at the airport, chatting the whole way to my parents house, enjoying each others company and all that... we sit down to a nice family dinner with my entire family minus my sister... which is fine by me as the bitch is loud (and I love her). Cousin hardly eats a thing... and it should be mentioned that he is very skinny. After my very not-white mom tries to force different things down his throat (by things I mean food stuff... dirty birds), he exclaims that he hardly ever eats and sometimes works so hard all day he forgets to at all. I retort, "Really? If I don't eat every 2 hours I get a little crazy." To which he replies... "Oh? You don't look THAT fat." I'm not sure if this was a language complication or a backhanded compliment. Either way it became the running gag of the entire night.
After dinner we drove downtown with my brother to show him a bit of the city. We stopped in at a pub for a drink (Kalendar at College and Euclid... GREAT patio, nice clients, able servers, and they carry amsterdam blonde... aces) and some more chit chat before I finally headed home to my room mate. Who is currently smoking weed with two of his friends in the living room while I am confined to my room... which he told me 'smells' tonight - Honestly? Could it be because I spend as much time as possible away from this place with my door closed... might the air be stale? Cause the rest of the loft wreaks like pot and I don't complain. Aren't stoners supposed to be happy and mellow? Pfft. So I bought some Febreze to appease him and sprayed the room. Which I am not sitting in... breathing in copius amounts of Febreze - which I'm not too sure is great for me. Oh well, at least it's the antibacterial kind that kills 99.9% of Bacteria that cause odours.
If I get cancer... this is why. Definitely not the pack of cigs I smoke when I am drunk. Yes, I am a social smoker - hate on me now. Get it over with. Anyway, I have more exciting news than this sh*t... LINK TIME!! This one is a keeper too. Do you hate Walmart like I hate Walmart? If so... ENJOY!!!
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
If you shop there (J-Dubz), I'm sorry. But admit it - tragic.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Jesus + Facebook / Peer Pressure x height = Long Duck Dong
September 22, 2009
1:45 am
It has been a couple days since my last post, and that was just a link so it really doesn't count. Tonight was pleasantly spent sitting at the second cup with three of my best girlfriends (J-Dubz, K-Dizzle, K-Special Sauce... As you might have been able to tell by now - hip hop names, or rather really bad hip hop names are kind of a thing with my friends and I... which is totally unjustified as we are collectively the whitest people on Earth with absolutely NO street cred... but I digress). First off let me say... Second Cup is inferior to Starbucks. I am really not a coffee drinker to be honest; however, I do like to eat my share of desserts. Do not order the lemon buttercream cupcake, the mint devil's chocolate cupcake, or the white chocolate macadamian (sp?) nut cookie. All terrible. The best thing about Second Cup had to be the amazing music they were playing (I have a soft spot for adult contemporary - 'Hey now, hey now, Don't dream it's over...'), and the crazy lady sitting directly behind us. She was there before we got there (monopolizing the seats near the electricity outlet... not using anything that needed power) and was there when we left. As far as I could tell she only had one beverage and also enjoyed the music a great deal... to the point of dancing in her chair all spastic like.
Now, K-Dizzy just got married over the summer - and this meeting was the first time we had all sat down since her wedding/honeymoon to discuss. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, marriage and babies is not something I generally think about. Please do not confuse this with a dislike for weddings, on the contrary, I love them. Remember my other rule - Free food/free booze = I'm there. Cash bar = Facebook deletion and a rumour started by me about your latest outbreak of herpes. On top of K-Dizzy's wedding bliss, J-Dubz and K-Sauce are engaged... so this conversation was pretty one track.
After looking at all the wonderful wedding pictures where K-Dizzy looks freakin gorgeous (I am gay, but this girl is a knockout my duckies... 10). We collectively decide to log onto facebook to peruse our lists and see what's tragic. Natch. I also feel at this point in time I should mention Second Cup has FREE wireless internet (which makes me take back what I said before - Starbucks... more like Shmarbucks). Facebook is good for two things, creeping and making yourself feel better about yourself... and restaurant city (that game is rad). If you are reading this, we did not look at your page... relax.
Gay chat line break!
Asian/Pacific Islander Male, 32
Him: hi
Me:hi
Him: where u live
Me: ***** & *********
Him: u drive?
Me: sometimes
Him: ic
Him: do u want meet now
Me: for what?
Him: quick sex
Me: sounds enticing... define 'quick'
him: ? ( i don't think his english is very good... either 'enticing' or 'define' must have stumped him)
Me: what exactly do you mean by quick?
Him: su*k then fu*k
Me: only in that order?
Him: interest?
Me: So like... 2 mins or less for each? Is that quick enough?
Him: Up to you... I mean 10 min 15 min
Me: well... which one... 10 or 15? I need to know what to expect and how to pace myself.
Him: ok
Him: if you not interest now
Him: then bye
Me: Don't leave like this, I think I love you.
Him: ha
Him: Do you want meet now
Me: are you open to marriage?
Him: ???
Me: I need a soulmate... and I think you're it.
Him: I think u not interest me
END conversation
Conversation #2
him: hey
Me: hi
him: how's it going?
him: love the pics
Me: thanks!
him: what are you up to?
Me: I like your pic too... well, what i can see of u
Me: just layin around, writing
him: kool
Me: yup
Me: u
him: i unlocked the other pics
him: checking messages and unwinding
Me: oh ya... stressful day?
him: little bit
Me: aww... why?
him: just one of those days
him: should be back to normal tomorrow
Me: what do u do?
him: sales development
Me: cool
him: you?
Me: relic hunter
him: intriguiging
Me: ya, it's pretty awesome... spend my days searching for treasure with inept co-workers, and mixing it up with nasty villains who I always defeat with a well-placed roundhouse kick
him: must be a government job
Me: lol (at this point I am hopeful that he might be alright)
him: are you open to play?
Me: i love playing... what do u wanna play?
him: a few round of you
Me: hmm... can you explain the rules?
him: well depends on the guidelines
Me: are there dice? and trivia... I love trivia
him: generally, one to meet the other, some petting and rubbing, lossening of constrictive clothing, sheding of such clothing and ...
him: could be a bottle
him: maybe some random q|s too
him: q's too
him: hmmm
him: could also have a few penalties
Me: haha... i'm getting confused, are we still talking about games or is this one big sexual innuendo?
him: both
End conversation - I hate sexual innuendos.
Maybe I should be a priest???
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Crunk at Granny's place
Saturday September 19, 2009
7:35 am - Just got in from my night out
The sun is shining, the skies are clear, the birds are chirping, and I feel like death. I hope you're happy booze... you have claimed yet another one of my nights.
In an effort to explain how I got here let me break down the night... itinerary style.
5:30 pm - Garganeau comes over to get my suitcase for her trip to the land down under... leaves with suitcase, 3 movies, a dress (not mine... don't ask) and a book. Apparently hers is not big enough and she thinks she has claim to everything that is mine. She is loud the entire time that she is over and laments the hardships that will befall her on her trip. She is going to Australia... I am not. For this reason - I have trouble sympathizing. The only advice I gave her was to make sure she slept with at least one man while there - you really can't say you've been somewhere until you've done that.
6:00 pm - Tested new way to cook chicken breast (well, new to me). Seared breast on all side using a very hot pan and lots of butter (god's gift to your mouth), before seasoning and baking. The process was worth it - tasty and moist MEAT TALLY = 1
6:30 pm - Walked 10 city blocks in order to meet my sister and pick up her car. Listened to iPod the entire walk - had it on random (didn't matter cause everyone knows even though you have a million songs on the bloody thing you only listen to 10)
7:00pm - Went back to my place to pick up laundry, laptop, and toiletries bag for my trip to my parents place (where I now sit)
7:30 pm - After some phone tag, my plans have changed... I am now going into Leslieville for a bbq at Cpt. Pierce's house. I tried to resist but he told me I wouldn't even have to buy booze, he has a big bottle of Vodka we could share... Free booze and food - I am there.
8:00 pm - On my way I pick up my good friend and ex roommate Brett. He has two extremely thick steaks for us and an entire box of tandoori chicken skewers. We then make our way to Cpt. Pierce's house stopping on the way at the liquor store. Brett buys a big bottle of spiced rum and mickey of kahlua (which until tonight I thought only my mom drank).
8:45 pm - We arrive at the BBQ, exchange intros/pleasantries/zombie exit strategy theories (this is a staple conversation topics whenever Brett and I get together). Brett makes me this concoction that I cannot name now for the life of me but it goes something like this - 4 parts spiced rum, 1.5 parts kahlua, splash with coke for colour. It is sickeningly sweet, but goes down easy... too easy. After two more of those I somehow get nominated to work the grill (party is full of gay guys and girls... so in retrospect I was prolly the best choice).
9:45 pm - As I drunkenly try to light the bbq in the dark I almost set myself on fire. No real damage, just some singed arm hair... not to worry, plenty left. There are upwards of 10 people at this shindig and everyone has brought something to eat. I'm cooking burgers, shrimp (that I swore were lobsters), chicken, lamb, steak... all the while still drinking (we have moved to vodka water in an attempt to hydrate while maintaining my buzz).
10:45 pm - Finally done on the grill (this took so long because Brett insisted that the steaks needed to marinate longer... they were very tasty so I can't fault him) and I smell like a dream mix of cigs, booze, smoke and meat. I eat some of everything. Meat tally = 6 Now onto beer and rye and ginger (alternating for some reason)
11:00 pm - 2:00 am - Who knows... tequila shots
5:15 am - Wake up in strange bed. Get dressed and go downstairs to find party still going. Drink copious amounts of water, chew gum, listen to my friend JM's remix of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga (wicked awesome), and drive home.
7:30 am - Arrive at parents place and eat leftovers from last night... Pork Chops. Meat tally = 7
So now you know how that all went... and understand why my body fu*kin hates me right now. It thinks I just tried to kill it. The other point of interest to the night has to be the house Cpt. Pierce lives in. He is a twenty-something somewhat hip kinda guy, just finished his masters in something I will not bore you with. But he lives in a 3 bedroom house with a 50+ year old opera singer. The house looks like your grandma's might... old school wallpaper, framed pictures of people who you're sure are dead or on the verge of being, fake flowers, potpourri... ovaltine. HOWEVER... the piece de resistance... a glass bowl... with mother bleepin hard candy in it! AND it's all stuck together too! Just like granny used to have! Seriously I kept expecting to find a werthers originals in my back pocket (or a milkful).
Good. Night.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I used to be famous...
Thanks for the overwhelming amount of response to my first post (by overwhelming I mean like 5 or 6 comments... including face book... but I set the bar low)!
So here it is, post numero two.
I am actually kinda intoxicated as I write this entry... after spending the last few hours at my friend Garganeau's place drinking cheap red wine on her patio overlooking the TTC (toronto transit commission) graveyard with some other friends (shout outs Crumps, J-rock, Hailstorm, G-funk, and Elizizzy)... I find myself swaying back and forth whilst trying to come up with something to write about.
Well to begin matters... I must say goodbye to Eliza (for some reason she has decided to move to Korea of all places to teach english...). Eliza... I want to give you a gift of sorts to take with you to Korea (are you going to South or North? Are they still separated? Which one is the bad one? Is this the place where that Kim Jong Il lives? I hear he likes movies) Anyway... here is a little nugget for you to take with you to Korea... courtesy of wikipedia!
KOREA
Korea (Hangul: 한국 or 조선) is a civilization and formerly unified nation currently divided into two states. Located on the Korean Peninsula, it borders China to the northwest, Russia to the northeast, and is separated from Japan to the east by the Korea Strait.
I hope you enjoyed that... I'm sure no one else did.
Also... my good friend Garganeau is leaving for the land down under on Sunday. I told her this was not a good idea for two reasons... 1) Aborigines 2) If anyone is going to be attacked by a flock of emu, she will be attacked by a flock of emu.
Enough bon voyages already... let's get to the meat of this post. Jackie.
I just had a ten minute conversation with my friend Jackie via telephone... this is quite a feat as I abhor speaking on the phone. It is another one of my illegitimate fears. I NEVER answer the phone to a private number, or even a number that is not recognized by my phone book. These calls go straight to voicemail... which I check once a week, and ALWAYS too late for the message in question to be relevant in any capacity. In addition to never answering these unknown attempts to contact me, I am also an avid call screener. Chances are if I don't answer the phone when you call I HAVE noticed that you called and am doing something much too important to answer (like writing this or laying in bed not sleeping).
Anyway... Jackie had the audacity to try and trick me into thinking tomorrow was her birthday and I should write her a post about it. Then when I was hesitant because deep down I knew she was a trifling bi*ch of a liar, she guilt tripped me. I checked facebook (May 18). Sleep with one eye open Jackie... and watch yo man.
Don't you hate it when your talking to someone who is an acquaintance of yours and they insist on telling you stories about people you don't know. And you just wanna strangle them and scream about how you don't care. I do. But I never do that. Ever.
Tonight, as always I have the gay chat line open as I write this blog. But there have been no 'bites', much to my chagrin.
Since I am drunk this makes me feel unattract... Wait! I just got one!
Caucasian male...36 years...
Him: Hey
Me: hi
Him: how r u?
Me: Great thanks! you?
Him: Good horny hehe
Me: oh ya? I bet antlers can be fun, but sometimes cumbersome
Him: lol
Him: u looking?
Me: For what?
Him: Su*k n Fu*k
Him: u?
Me: a way to stay in this country
Him: ok... goodnight.
And Another msg!
Caucasian Male... 30 years old
Him: Hey whats going on
Me:not much. u?
Him:just sittin around, a little bored...u?
Me: just writing
Him: that is cool... you look familiar... haha in a good way
Me: I used to be famous
Him: haha really?
Me: absolutely, ever see Degrassi the original series?
Him: ya
Me: I played BLT
Long Pause... I am sure he is google image searching
Him: that is cool:) can we chat on msn it is a little easier cause this chat thing keeps lockig ************@hotmail.com
After that I definitely ended the conversation. Because only two things could have occured. 1) He DIDN'T research the pic for BLT and shows no active interest in my history and accomplishments (fake that they might be) or 2) He DID look it up and thinks I look like a 12 year old black kid.
I'm not sure who gets the FAIL there. Me? Him? BLT?
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Post 1... Dragons and Perverts and Rabies oh my
Well well... Currently it is 11:59pm on Septemeber 16, 2009... and I am about to begin my very first Blog. Hmmm.... It's now midnight on September 17, 2009. Which date deserves to be the official beginning of the awesomeness that is Malicious M's blog... I know how to decide this.... fight to the death. Choose your weapons! Ahh.... September 16th, a broadsword - how dungeons and dragons... 17th, you have chosen to wield a flamethrower - retro.
As these respective dates duke it out, let me forewarn any reader that this 'project' has been spurred by complete boredom. This script has no meaning. I have just finished listening to chapter 3 of an audio book centered around the life and times of a Dragon (I capitalize Dragon cause they are both to be feared and revered) and the human that rides on the back of it. I'm hip. Directly following this ridiculous post, I will watch the finale of True Blood season 2... a show about vampires... and sex... and sexy vampires. Directly after that I will fiercely masterb... I will go to bed.
As I write this I have a gay chat line going on in the background - this is done in an attempt to passively accomplish meeting that special someone. Currently my message box contains 3 mails.
Mail 1 - Caucasian male... 55 years old... Re: Do you like older men?
ANSWER: I like older men... 55 is kinda hot. Do you have a pic? No? Well do you look like Jorge Clooney?
No Response.
Mail 2 - Middle Eastern male... 35 years old... Re: Hey hottie;)
ANSWER: Ignore (this was done b/c whenever I get a private msg from a Middle Eastern male I have this irrational fear that they are related to me... I also have this same fear when travelling in a taxi while intoxicated... which is whenever I am in a taxi)
Mail 3 - Caucasian male... 23 years old... Re: How's it going?
ANSWER: Great thanks! What's up?
Response: Me;)
Ignore
My romantic future is bleak.
I guess the danger in starting a blog is that one day you might have nothing to write about. This probably isn't a fear for people who have deep and meaningful lives, or who are constantly challenging themselves with new adventures... or you know, people who have their dose of daily social interaction. But for me... the fear is legitimate. See... I have friends, and I love them (they are reading this); however, sometimes I get in these hermit moods. During these times I prefer the company of the world wide web, or the internet, or both... I hear they are similar, I dunno... the extent of my computer savvy is reserved for search engines, facebook, and por... wikipedia.
Ooooooh! Another message!
Caucasian Male... 38 years old... Re: whrere u goign to the barn? (I have no patience for sloppy keyboarding)
Answer: No.
Response: Why? u can fu*k me in the dark room, lol
(somehow I feel that despite the 'lol', he is not kidding)
Answer: it's too late now (I don't wanna offend him, he could be Mr. Right!!!)
As I recover from that brush with destiny, I must explain that I am not desperate, or ugly, or even without my charms. Just lazy in love. It's just not that important to me. I DO have love in my life... I love my mom. I love my friends. I love my cat. I love eating an entire box of cookies while playing 3 hours of final fantasy (in my defense it felt like 10 mins... and Japanese people design these games so they are addictive... and time flies when you're having a SUPAH FUN TIME!). Marriage and babies though... more like Shmarriage and Rabies! haha. Actually, I take that back. Rabies is a serious affliction and should not be taken lightly. Enough, I tire of this and Sookie Stackhouse and her vamp buds await my return.
Until Next time!
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